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20 Feb 2008

Post number 17: Guilt at feeling low

I am a little ashamed of how fed up I am ATM. One of the things that has really struck me is that I feel I am letting people down if I say I am tired or depressed or my personal favourite, being told off by my mother for example, if I turn down a physio session when I’m not feeling up to it…I’ve already nicknamed my physio, a very nice kiwi called Megan the ‘smiling assassin’ and her Hispanic assistant Juan ‘the Spanish Inquisitor because I sometimes feel that physio sessions feel like some form of torture. It’s small wonder I don’t always feel up to them! But still I get told off for not taking advantage of the very great opportunity that I have been given being at the TLU try saying that from where I’m sitting. But what does eat me is that the more tired and depressed I am the less fun I am to visit and talk too and this is when I need people the most. I think I had a slight change of heart yesterday afternoon when I realised how much trouble a few of my friends have gone to, to organise a special one-off event to raise money for the Dom Pardey Trust and to take the trouble to make sure they chose a venue that most people will love and is accessible to my wheelchair so I can actually come. This is just the latest example of a string of incidents that make me feel an enormous debt of gratitude to those who have done what they can to improve my poor excuse for a life during the last couple of years. Sure, there may be the odd occasion when I sound like I am in the depths of despair, but I usually need something to jog my memory or to’have a stern word with myself’ and I’m soon right…There’s also a special apology reserved for my seemingly tireless Mother – She may be from the generation that don’t believe in tiredness and depression and that a simple “pull yourself together” will suffice but she’s not all bad, if only I could get rid of her ‘daily Mail’ habit…

2 comments:

Ness said...

hi Dom!
Ness here. Just typed a long message then lost it! Anyway, sorry to hear you are feeling down and tired. I'm sure people aren't put off visiting when you're not your usual self, it just feels like that. Maybe some sunshine would help with the energy levels? It's blowing a gale here in Glasgow, with horizontal rain. I have an interview in Oxford next week. Brings back memories of visiting you in college there... I look forward to seeing you whenever I am next in London for a bit. Difficult to express my feelings about your situation, but don't beat yourself up about been tired and feeling shitty, please, you're only human. love from Glasgow, Nessa

Ness said...

forgot to say, Julie gave me the link last night - what a great blog! must be tiring doing that, too. V. xxx

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