19 Feb 2008

Post Number 16: Not understanding how I've helped (?) some people

I am very concerned that the following may be a little too much for anyone, maybe I shouldn’t write things on Mondays and I’m worried that this sort of posting might scare people who’ve never met me before(especially as I’m looking for random flatmates ATM) or those who I haven’t seen for years think I’m some sort of terminal misery. I may get pretty grouchy from time to time but I’m pretty sure I don’t feel this bad all the time So what’s eating me today? One of the biggest problems I have faced is a complete lack of self – belief and occasionally a lack of belief in the opinions of others. I have lost count of the number of times people have said to me “I think you’re doing so well” or ”I think you’re amazing” or “I think you’re so brave” etc etc ad infinitum. I wish I could bask in the warm glow of such nice comments but I can’t because I don’t understand them. Being clear I can’t do most things by myself. I can’t walk independently, I can’t read books or newspapers, I can only read emails by selecting the text, copying it into word and blowing the text up to size 30 and increasing the line spacing, I can’t write because I no longer have the fine motor control necessary to stop my hand shaking, I can’t speak or Concentrate without enormous effort. I can only type with one finger (on a special keyboard with large keys), I need a lot of help preparing food so I am able to eat it , I can barely keep my eyes open and always feel exhausted, I cannot pick myself up off the floor, I am terrified of being alone, and frequently cry, I can’t earn money and have to rely on state benefits and the amazing generosity and charity of friends and family to survive, I’m 30 years old for christ’s sake, I’m a shadow of my former self, I feel like a pathetic loser and a complete failure and what’s worse? I hate myself even more for writing this and thinking this way but I keep being told how lucky I am, pardonez moi if from time to time I don’t feel lucky or sound grateful or positive enough… OK, so I’ve said my piece and I hope made it fairly clear how I sometimes feel, apart from this slight nihilism, I’m a barrel of laughs! Above all though I’m desperate to get out of living in hospitals/institutions which I have been incarcerated in for more than two years. I need to get on with my life, in whatever shape or form it takes! I can’t wait to share some genuine good news and for once since my stroke not feel like sh **.

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