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18 Mar 2008

Post number 27: 'Missing the Boat'

I have really been agonising over the subject matter of this next missive. For starters I think it might be a glimpse too far into how tortured my soul actually is and it might scare people off me but those are risks I’ll just have to bear because it is so important that this blog is as honest as possible. Sort of perverse integrity. The subject today is ’missing the boat’ and was brought on by an email I received last night from an ex telling me she had just got engaged. At this stage I want to point out that feelings of ‘missing the boat’ have been bubbling around near the surface for the last year. In my life, I have been in love four times (which I believe to be quite a few), I have basically lost touch with the first, the second is happily married, the third just got engaged and the fourth just met someone else. Now, it isn’t so much that I thought I might have another chance with number three it is just that I can’t ever imagine being in that position. Tash, who was a little older than me always used to complain about potentially ‘missing the boat’ because lots of both of our groups of friends are ‘sorted’ and even having kids. I used to say to try and make things better ‘it’s fine, you still look like you’re 25’. This may be true but it’s a very male way of looking at things. I should have realised what I had in my late 20s , now since my stroke and a few years down the line I know it’s a chance I’ll never get again, I feel like such a stupid fool now, perhaps a young na├»ve idiot. I now realise that there is nothing more important in life and the main reason I’m so sad now is that in future I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of finding that sort of love ever again because love isn’t something that just happens – you have to invest time and energy making it work, two things I feel I no longer have. My advice to blokes who think that they’ve found love, look long and hard at the person you’re with and try to imagine life without them, you never know what misfortune lurks around the next corner I apologise for the downbeat, introspective, serious and unhumerous nature of this post. I feel like crap today and I’m a little scared how this will be received. Hopefully things will look up when I move into my new house.

2 comments:

Ingrid said...

Hello Dom. I think you yourself have just summed it up. You never do know whats around the corner. Love has a way of finding its way into peoples lifes often when they don't realise. So the game is not over for you my friend. You are clearly a man who touches peoples lives and so whilst you feel you might have missed this boat there is a high chance there might be another boat, life raft or even a piece of drift wood coming towards you. Even if its hard to believe right now. Ingrid xx

Dom P said...

Ingrid
You're probably right but I have always had problems dealing with unkowns. At the moment I am desperately trying to rebuild what's left of my life and part of what's left is suddenly gone and that is why I feel so terrible. That and the fact I can't do anything about it.
Dx

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