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5 Mar 2008

Post number 22: The start of feeling distraught at losing Natasha

I am in bits and pieces today (and not in a good way), because not only did I get dragged out of bed at 6:30 by one of the nightstaff, a stupid as hell agency person, who offered to run the shower when I asked her to fasten my safety belt. Honestly, tons of people tell me my speech is pretty clear but to some (usually stupid people or those who don’t bother to listen properly) clearly think I’m speaking Klingon! Anyway 6:30 am felt like 4:30am which hasn’t helped matters. The main reason I’m so utterly distraught today is that Tash (remember my long term ex girlfriend) visited me yesterdsy and informed me that she had found someone else. What’s the problem I hear you say? Well, we split up because I could never give her what she wanted , which was to be someone to settle down with, support her, marry her and father her children, all things I was willing to do but due to my unfortunate circumstances, I can’t do. I feel so utterly inadequate now, I’ve never felt grief like it because despite the fact that I’ve been in touch with other girls, it’s so hard for them to measure up to the person I feel I owe everything too.I really am pathetically devastated, in a previous life I would have been able to pick myself up, brush myself down, sure, be sad, but I would have been able to pull myself together , have a bit of confidence in myself, and move on. Not in this life! Unfortunately I have little or no self confidence left, I may have amazing support from friends and family (for which I often feel thoroughly undeserving ), but I also feel like I’ve lost the most valuable thing in my life, the love,the care,the security and the affection that Tash used to give me is now gone. And it makes me feel terrible. It may have been complicated but life will never be the same again. Apologies for the downbeat nature of this post.

1 comment:

nilo said...

Oh man, this post made me cry. I can so completely relate to it. What an enormous loss.

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