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14 Jul 2008

Post 55: The virtues of Lily Allen

In my last post I espoused the virtues of Lily Allen so I thought it would be worth listening to some of her music. I shouldn't have bothered, because my terrible feelings of inadequacy became epic, for example the lyrics to 'I don't know' reminded me why in the last decade I have basically stopped listening to songs with lyrics, not only do I have an appalling singing voice so singing along ruins the song for myself or anyone unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity, and since my stroke my voice is,like the way I tend to feel, a disgrace. Lyrics make me think too much. At the moment lovesongs make me cry unless they're awful, and some others make me despair which is pathetic,'I don't know' by Ms Allen's first verse went 'I want to be rich and I want lots of money, I don’t care about clever, I don’t care about funny, I want loads of clothes and f**kloads of diamonds, I heard people die while they are trying to find them, I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless, 'Cause everyone knows that’s how you get famous, I'll look at the Sun and I'll look in the Mirror, I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner.
I know song lyrics are just the work/opinion of one person or a small group and more than likely are tongue in cheek but these lyrics had the rather unfortunate affect of making me feel utterly emasculated with little chance of things improving. This is a terrible feeling when all you care about is finding the right girl. I know this now, because I know what made me happy, and was confirmed when a close friend of mine said, 'it sucks that he is the key to my happiness and I can't ever have him'. Regular readers of this blog will think that sounds oddly familiar but I'm finding it next to impossible to move on.
Having been now in London for over ten years and started off life working in that most dreadful of places, the city, I have seen how all that some people care about is money and how it has often been tried to be used to buy happiness, who knows they might have even succeeded! I know It's a long and tedious debate that I don't have the time or energy to go into. Sadly it seems these days that being able to buy your way into happiness is what most people try to do. Unfortunately for me, I was brought up in a family where money was everything. Before my stroke, I had lost count of the number of times my mother would lament my decision to get out of the city as fast as I could unlike my elder sister Susan who did 'very well for herself' after suffering it for years. Unfortunately stress over financial matters has always been in the genes,it's a shame we (the Pardey/Stokers could never replace all that stress with skill, I know I never managed too, I was always stressed and never skilled, in fact I was awful, I can't believe I used to be an investment analyst! My maternal grandfather was the main reason for this stress in financial matters. His Scottish tightness was legendary, in fact that was probably his skill, because it is through his tightness that we as a family find ourselves (by standards) ok -off today. Certainly, the roof over my head now can be attributed to my grandfathers tightness. As a consequence I was brought up believing that we were on the breadline although in reality we were pretty comfortable, but the financial 'skill' of my grandfather still survives and to this day the only thing that really stresses out my parents is money. I wouldn't have had half the treatment I have had without the miraculous advent of the trust and the generosity of friends. One of the worst things about this whole thing is the feeling that I have become this burden or worse, this 'stone in a shoe' which friends and family have to bear for years till my eventual (hopeful) recovery.

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