21 Aug 2008

Post 65: Getting stuck in a lift

Not the best week sadly, the only good news is that my lovely neighbour has taken over caring duties because she is considerably better value than the agency although I will miss the carer, my neighbour's also a mate so it works out pretty well – it means that I no longer have to worry about the carer getting stuck in traffic etc, the rest of the week has been bloody awful.
My other neighbour said that he had a friend who had a stroke who is now walking without a stick and he was at pains to tell me he had done it without half the chances I've had including the access I've had to 'facilities and equipment' and for good measure added 'make some effort'.
This destroyed me, here is a guy I don't know all that well and the opinion that he's formed of me is that I'm lazy and slothful – this was a classic case of someone not understanding how this stroke has knocked me sideways and done all but robbed me of my life. Effort? It's a f****** effort to do anything, the only thing that would constitute a lack of effort would be to decide to not to continue living and to make matters worse the local psychologists have effectively called time on coming to see me which is great timing wheb I'm feeling this low and worthless. Shame, because the assisstant psychologist was lovely.
The other thing that has been preying on my mind is that it's been two years and eight months since my stroke and my inability to walk or use my left hand properly is still total and I still feel terrible every second I'm awake. The feeling of utter helplessness was really brought home to me yesterday. For a change I actually went to my great physio, Natalie's, surgery in Putney, Ostensibly because there's a long(ish) corridor that I can practice walking down with my frame with Natalie and my brothers support,I managed 4 lengths (about 100m total) and apparently it's the best walking she's ever seen me do (it felt about as far removed from normal walking as you could imagine plus it was exhausting, something that really depresses me as I never understand why.
The thing that really ruined yesterday was getting stuck in the lift on the way down. For some reason the lift jarred to a halt after a yardleaving me just able to see daylight from the 2nd floor through the tiny crack in the lift doors – an engineer was called and he apparently went to the motor room to try and get the lift moving again. Every time he did it moved down a foot and jarred again and virtually gave me whiplash. He did this several times. I was getting progressively more terrified. I was alone and claustrophobic, things couldn't have been worse if I'd been in a wheelchair... All sorts of terrible thoughts were going through my head. Eventually, the lift guy got on top of the lift and was able to manually lower the lift to the ground floor. Not an uplifting experience I ever want to repeat!


Shaun said...

Sorry to hear about your lift nightmare! I remember being stuck in a lift in Melbourne and when I rang the 'emergency' number it went through to a voicemail! lol nice.

Anyway, keep your chin up mate - it the walking sounded positive even if you don't think so.

See you at SW4!

Anonymous said...

Can i please remind you of the point you made that you DID walk 100m, which is the furthest you have done so far, which shows you are moving in the right direction, even if it is not as fast as you would like?

Try to not under play your progress :)



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