30 Aug 2008

Post 67: Never actually feeling any better

I'm not in a great place emotionally at the moment. I've just had another week where I put in loads of effort,energy and time and I don't feel any better, physically or mentally. It's one of the worst things about this and I know I've said it before, that regardless of what I do, I never feel any better and it didn't help being worn out by SW4, but I've got to do these things. A friend (Lizzie) said an extremely kind and poignant thing recently, that she wished a few of them could just take how I feel onto them for a few weeks/days just so I could have a holiday from this, if only.
The other thing I realized this morning is that I'm surprised if anyone still reads this given the infrequency with which I update it. I perhaps naively, almost vainly think people might treat this as something to occasionally look at but people are thirsty for new content and sadly I don't get much time to update it and when I do it's slow and exhausting.
What has been good this week is I had two really good visits and a friend of mine raised over £1000 for me by competing in an act of physical lunacy, a half triathlon. As far as I'm concerned the man's (Will Dugdale) a hero, details here , The same goes for my gorgeous friend Carly Evans, who recently raised £500 for me by competing in a crazy event called Tough Guy, the name itself fills me with dread.The great visits were onThursday from Simon and on friday from Ian. Simon had the week off so he came down here on Thursday afternoon to watch a film with me and cook me lunch, an incredibly nice thing to do. Not only was he good company but he's bloody funny too. The same goes for Ian, who doesn't get out much since having a son. Not only is he one of the funniest men I know he's also one of the finest DJs in the land. I should have scheduled things better on Friday though, because I coul barely speak for tiredness after I managed to organise three physio sessions in a day on friday. By the time Ian had arrived I was barely compos. Which reminds me of another thing I got told this week. In conversation with the community occupational therapist her theory for my tiredness is that I haven't given anything up. Of course I bloody have, I've been forced to give everything up! Her stance is that I have to learn to live with my new energy levels. I'm afraid I say bollocks to that,it's not bloody good enough. That's like trying to tell me to live without walking.It's not going to happen because I'm not going to let it happen because living in a chair is no way to live.
One thing that has been working out well has been my neighbour doing the role of morning carer. The fact that she only has to walk yards rather than struggle through the morning rush hour has given me more peace of mind, an incredibly valuable quantity whatever your situation. The only thing that has ever so slightly winds me up, as I crave peace and quiet in the mornings is that her 6 year old son, Dylan insists on helping in the mornings, now Dylan is a great kid but obviously the summer holidays have dragged on and he's bored because he's as likely to follow instructions as the US Marines were at Abu Graib so most mornings there is some sort of shouting match between Dylan and his mum with a half asleep yours truly stuck in the middle, I'm sure things will change when he goes back to school next week.


Jake said...

I'm still reading mate. Sounds like you're making a lot of progress, however it feels. Going to SW4 is a pretty monumental effort, glad to hear you enjoyed it! I found that the music was too quiet when I went to really get into it, but if you were right next to one of the speakers it must have been awesome. One of the best line-ups to be found anywhere.

Keep up the good work, and try not to get too violent with the toddler. I'm sure you could get away with 'accidentally' reversing over him at some point though ;-)

Dom P said...

I wouldn't do a thing like that. Believe me, he's no toddler!

Anonymous said...

He must be back at school now?

Dom P said...

tomorrow thank god, his mum can barely wait



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