25 Sep 2008

Post 76: Depression of the stroke survivor

It has been two years, 8 months, twenty four days and this morning since my stroke and I wish I could report that everything was just grand, well it's not, I'm afraid, I still feel like a poor imitation of a real person, exhausted, insecure, pale, drawn and I can see no way out of this for the forseeable future. I'm very against suicide because it would not be fair on the legions of people who have worked so hard to bring me back from the brink of death. I used to take pride in parts of myself, my appearance and some of my achievements. It's so difficult to take pride in anything nowadays. I look and feel like s**t, the roof over my head no longer belongs to me and only exists due to extreme good fortune and the Herculean efforts of my brother renovating and adapting the place, the incredible wheelchair I sit in is so far outside of my means that it had to be bought with the generous donations from people who have raised such a staggering amount of money for me. The same is true of much of the stuff in my house, almost all of which I feel unworthy of. I suppose that is the thing I have to be proud of,the strength and resolve of my friends and family. It must be as difficult to read this as it is for me to write it. Changing the subject but following the theme, the community Psychologist suggested to me that a way out of this isolation would maybe be to move to some sheltered accommodation a bit nearer places I could conceivably work. I could hardly believe I was hearing this. Moving here in the first place was one of the hardest, most terrifying things I've ever had to do. There is simply no way I could ever conceive, little afford to do it again. For starters, until the fog of my fatigue begins to lift, it just seems to get worse at the moment the prospect of using what is left of my brain is not a realistic one. To be able to deal with the rigours of what I used to be used to you have to be alert at all times (well most of them) bring energy, enthusiasm, charisma and charm (arguable I could ever do this!) to situations, which I certainly can't do these days and use a computer.
You might think this blog is evidence I can use a computer, I beg to differ. Writing this over a period of hours typing with one finger is simply not acceptable and wouldn't be to anyone. Anyone still reading is obviously a glutton for punishment, but I stand by the depressing content, I am slightly ashamed of being this unhappy.


Anonymous said...

What can be done to help dig you out of this unhappy hole?

Shaun said...

Dom, all those things you mention such as your chair, your house etc have been provided because you have a huge circle of generous and close friends and family. I know this won't make you feel better but there are thousands of people in the world who have suffered what you have and have nothing and are left in homes to rot as their families don't have the means to support them. It's truly terrible what has happened to you but you are in a position from which you can begin, however slowly, to try and claw some of your old life back - many do not get this chance.

As I say, I know that won't make you feel any better at all but I hope you can gain some positivity from the facilities that have been given to you and that you see 'small steps' such as movement of your left arm as positive moves in the right direction. Progress is slow but you have improved vastly since I first saw you back in 2007.

Don't give up!


PS - When did you ever care about your appearance? Do you not remember that orange 'Twisted' t-shirt? lol ;)

Anonymous said...

Or the McShit one for that matter.

Or the clowns one.

Or the...

I also 100% agree with Shaun, you are quite fortunate to have the support around you that many don't have(think back to Hassan for example).

Dom P said...

I Know you guys are absolutely right but it doesn't stop me thinking of everything I've lost. That's what makes me unhappy, and for the record those tshirts didn't come out much



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