Post 89: Dependency on others

It is very rare for me to write more than one blog post a week because I don't really have the time or energy or even that much to say but today has been different, sadly not in a good way.
You allow yourself to relaz for just one minute and bang, everything goes tits up. I had allowed myself to settle into my morning routine because that's what people do, they establish routines and get on with them. My routine is now slightly different from able bodied people because it is dependent on others. Because I can't walk (you would have thought thaat simplest of things) I need a carer to put my waterproof shower chair in place for me in the mornings and put my clothes on the bed for me to get dressed into after I have my shower. While I'm getting changed one handed independently which is apparently a skill (more an art!) she prepares my breakfast which I can't do myself because of extreme fatigue and lack of coordination, basically without my morning carer I can't really get out of bed and eat anything.
I regard independence and the ability to look after oneself as an attractive quality. Therefore by my standards I find myself deeply unattractive which isn't really a great way to start the day, welcome too my world. This morning was different because my carer couldn't make it, which automatically to me meant that I couldn't get out of bed, wash, dress and eat which is about as dire a way to start the day as you can, christ I'm already depressed. Luckily we have managed to cobble together a way of me managing to wash, dress and eat by making my housemate late for work (which can't happen regularly), asking my other neighbour for help (which also can't happen regularly). This morning has opened my eyes about how dependent I actually am and how easily things can actually fall apart.
I also had to write a difficult message yesterday to my lovely physiotherapist Natalie who I am very fond of, life is never simple these days:
Hi Nat
Of course I'll give you a glowing testimonial, I think you've been
wonderful for me and I think you're wonderful. There is however
something that I also need to say which may make you a bit less
cheerful. At this stage of my rehab I feel that I need a blunter
implement than just your walking sessions to achieve my physical
goals. Also coming up to Putney twice a week is an unacceptable
burden, particularly for my dad. As you know and have showed regular
antipathy towards, I see a sports physio for personal training twice a week at my
home in Oxshott, he is locally based , visits me at home and doesn't
charge for travel. He is also strong enough to not require additional
assistance when treating me and think him more than competent to
assist me to walk more regularly with the frame once we have secured
access to the local hall/sports club and found a suitable space to
walk. Rest assured, I believe that it is you who has got me this far
and I am so grateful and fortunate to have been treated by you, I have
utmost respect for your Neurophysio expertise and your cheerful manner
when treating me.
I hope this makes sense and I can still call on you in a consultative
capacity and we'll always be friends.
That was not easy, because nothing is these days.