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- Post109: Being looked after and another lovely lun...
- Post 110, 'finding the funny' with Steven K Amos
- Post111:A Nihilistic rant after a rubbish week
- Post 112: Trying to Put some Pieces back
- Post 113: Life gets worse just in time for my birt...
- pOST 114: My 32nd birthday
- Post 115: Averil Buckley R.I.P (1953-2009)
- Post116: The Lovely Lily Allen in Concert and stru...
- Post 117: Slow progress, hard times ahead but one ...
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19 Mar 2009
Post 113: Life gets worse just in time for my birthday
Another pretty non-descript week in my world, the only good news about poor Averil (my erstwhile carer who had a major heart attack last week) is that she's still alive but the prognosis is not good with her requiring a triple bypass which is not routine walk in the park stuff. She has been moved to a major hospital (St Georges, Tooting) for the surgery but she has to be off a ventilator, ie breathe on her own before she has surgery and apparently there's little certainty around when/if that will happen. As if that wasn't bad enough, Natasha, the former love of my life phones me up on Wednesdayto tell me she's engaged. I suppose this was inevitable and it really shouldn't affect me but I'm not strong enough for it not to. When Natasha 'moved on' when I was still in hospital but getting out of there was in sight, Sonja, the lead psychologist said to me 'is it going to take a rock on her finger for you to get over her?' and I remember tearfully replying ' oh god no, that'd kill me'. Well, I'm still alive but I feel dead inside. I shouldn't care but I do, it's the worst news I've ever had and I mean that. It is the ultimate rejection, and I have never felt so utterly worthless, useless and pathetic. I used to be tougher than this but now I have the emotional fortitude of a small child in a shopping centre who has lost his parents or maybe the buried alive metaphor I used in the last post. I am trying to get through this by spending as much time with friends and my amazing new girlfriend but Asli and my friends have their own jobs, lives and problems and simply don't have the strength, time,energy and lets face it, patience to help out an emotionally stunted (retarded is probably better) cripple. Life is sh*t right now and progress feels slow to negligible. I promise to be happier on saturday. This Vid might cheer a few people up. It almost killed me! There appears to have been an error uploading the damn vid, I'll try again later