14 Mar 2009

Post111:A Nihilistic rant after a rubbish week

I think it would be fair to say this has been my worst week since the last one. It has taught me a sad lesson about life and even I can't find anything to laugh about despite the sun shining, it is still too cold to venture outside in my wheelchair and there's nobody around to take me because sadly I still don't feel confident enough to trundle around on my own, there's also nowhere to go,and nowhere I feel like going because going anywhere makes me wonder how tired I'm going to be later, FFS It's a spring Saturday, on a day like today I would have made my own plan's, relied on myself to make my own fun but I can't do that anymore, the best thing I can think of to do is to sit in front of this damn computer, typing this at twenty words a minute with my right index finger and all I can do is think about how tired this is making me for the nothing I've got to do later.
The lesson this week has taught me is never to believe things are getting better because just as you start to believe things are improving some bastard (fate in this case) pulls the rug out from underneath the wheels of your wheelchair. For those of you wondering what I'm going on about, This terrible feeling has been caused by a seeming loss of control in my life because Averil, my housemate and carer had a serious heart attack on Wednesday. Poor Av, her life has been hard enough already, and looking after me can't of improved things, a day later Tracey, my neighbour who does my mornings tells me she's just been accepted on a course and can't do my mornings from the beginning of April for three months, so this week what is left of my pathetic, miserable life has fallen off a cliff and I'm not fighting for my life in hospital like poor Av. It's at times like these I want to rant and rage at religious people, so I will. I was watching a debate on TV the other day between god-squaders and scientists and I recognised one of the scientists, a man called Dr Peter Atkins, a man whose lectures on physical chemistry I had yawned through as a first year Chemistry Student at Oxford. Thankfully I had changed course after the first year so I no longer had to suffer Dr Atkins frankly boring musings on Thermodynamics or Quantum Mechanics. Anyway, despite him being a bore he was after all the man who had actually written THE textbook on Physical Chemistry and had a Rolls Royce to prove it, some of the things he said were clearly worth listening to. So, in this debate he said something that made a lot of sense, it was 'If god exists and evolution is correct, then god cannot be said to be benevolent! Now, there's plenty of evidence for evolution, in fact the only people who dispute it are religious nutters (sorry, believers).
What this made me think and I make no apology for saying this, if god exists, he is evil, a sadist that enjoys watching us suffer. Both Av and I have been selected to suffer and it makes me mad. Man and animals can only go through life and maybe, just maybe enjoy it if everything goes right. Everything good in life is only ever achieved by hard work. If it comes easier, it is illegal or immoral or expensive or worse still, a combination of these things. This is a rather nihilistic way of looking at the world but the weeks events have conspired to create this mood which serve to obscure any of the good stuff which I'll try to write about after my 32nd birthday next friday.


Mernie said...

Dom that's awful, I hope Av is getting better xx

Dom P said...

Let's hope no news is good news.



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