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19 Apr 2009

Post 121: BBQ Season begins and a bit of Russell Brand

A few things to talk about today to describe this week, well, four to be precise, 2 good, 1 disappointing, and one not so good, one of the good things literally just happened too so on balance another mediocre week I'm afraid, no big changes in anything, which I ought to give up hoping for because stroke recovery is about gradual change and I guess life before was about big changes and incidents. Buying a house, changing your job, getting a girlfriend,taking an amazing holiday etc, these are all big events/changes. My life now seems to be characterized by perpetual nothingness and very gradual slow changes, you would have thought I'd be used to it by now but no siree Bob, I do try and inject as much excitement into my life as possible but it never works. So moving on to the things that have been front of mind this week, so as to finish on a high note, I'll start with the less good stuff. Firstly, my inability to travel independently has really upset me this week. One or two people I really want/need to see are just too busy for coming to see me to feature in their plans. There is nothing I can do at all about this. What I do try and do is send imploring e-mails. This makes me feel needy and pathetic, to be clear there is little I hate doing more. I frequently tell myself to 'toughen up' but why should I listen to myself, no-one listens to weak, pathetic people in the real world, why should I now. You're probably watching my descent into insanity with a mixture of concern,bewilderment,apathy and amusement, but apparently the key to good mental health according to John Lake (an inspirational friend of a friend who I recently met who had a brain tumour, mental health issues and has made an amazing recovery) is to listen to yourself and change your mindset to escape those downward cycles. I wish I could, I just can't seem to make it happen. The second thing that has knocked me a bit this week has been someone whose opinion I respect telling me that the content of a lot of this blog was shallow and unduly negative, well the reason I might come across as negative,any guesses?
Because I feel I've lost everything.
Sure, things could be even worse, but holding on to the theoretical positive this creates is not enough and just stupid and can't ever make up for what has happened. As for being shallow, so what? Who doesn't prefer at first glance pretty girls to ugly ones? This experience has taught me there are far more important things in the mid to long term and that you should never write people off based on external characteristics, this is not shallowness, this is prejudice and I really don't think I'm prejudiced, everyone deserves a chance before being written off as an oxygen-stealer, which paradoxically is often what I feel I've become. All there now is is breathing in and breathing out, oh, and feeling tired.
So that is how low I have felt this week, the mitigating things were going to see Russell Brand at the Dome

on friday. Say what you like about him but here is a man clearly enjoying life. The BBCR2/Jonathan Ross/Andrew Sachs scandal
has clearly made him even more famous, enough for him to base an entire show around it, call it 'Scandalous' and fill some of the biggest arena's up and down the country. This has swelled his already mahoosive (self-confessed thank god) ego to outlandish proportions and allows him to get away with wearing black womens leggings or as he calls them 'testosterousers' and say things like ' without fame, this hair just looks like mental illness' – and that is his gift, the ability to ridicule the things he says and does in front of vast audiences. He says he says and does the things that he does because of his personal 'mental illness' which as far as I can tell is to visualize the most ridiculously inappropriate thing in every situation and to occasionaly vocalize it but always giggle about it. e.g at the Royal Variety performance when standing in line to meet the queen. Having already been told the etiquette by the queens footmen 'it's ma'am as in arm not ma'am as in jam, don't curtsy, she won't find it funny, bow from the neck, not from the waist etc.. etc..', he said he had to take all this on board while somehow keeping a straight face whilst standing next to the lyrical car horn voiced moron that is James Blunt, a man who through when he was with the household cavalry 'had previous with the queen' and is never easy to stand next to at the best of times. Brand then said his mental illness took over and his mind started to wander to what would happen if he tipped the cup of tea he was holding all over the queen He didn't but he had 'considerable' trouble stopping himself. Once he had stopped himself doing that he began to fantasize about making a grab for her maj's breasts. He said he had less difficulty stopping himself doing that, how shallow!Big thanks go to my friend Sacha for doing a near flawless job of accompanying me despite it being her first time loading me in the van. I knew she'd do it fine and she really enjoyed the comedy because I remembered her saying ages ago that Brand was 'her type'. I guess that rules out anyone I or my friends know.
Despite going to see Russel Brand being a good night the week was virtually salvaged by the BBQ I've just had at my house to take advantage of the beautiful spring sunshine. The BBQ and my friends being lovely (well done Tony for organizing it and long may they continue etc....) I say virtually salvaged because I'm still exhausted by it and being honest I feel dreadful. It's a horrible dichotomy, I need my friends more than ever and seeing them gives me a lift but my fatigue is so acute that I don't feel I acquit myself anything like satisfactorily and I feel awful at the end. It's so hard . At times like this I get so mad at medical science being able to do nothing. What a load of useless bastards.

1 comment:

nilo said...

As of this point, you still don't have your apnea tests back? Good god.

And I never, ever knew that ma'am was ever supposed to rhyme with anything other than jam.

Thank god I've never been introduced to the queen.

And not to cast aspersions against a fellow countryman of yours, but I find nothing remotely sexually appealing about Russell Brand. Nothing. At all. And I teach adolescent children by choice. So I'm an optimist. I can find the good in anyone.

But I can't find anything appealing about him. Ick.

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