17 May 2009

Post 127:Dom and Pams 'shotgun' wedding and some thoughts on 'talking therapy'

Things have conspired against me on sunday so a post about Dom Ellis' wedding and some other things won't be appearing till late monday if anybody cares. I hope you've all had good weekends. here goes:

A couple of things of major interest this week which for once don't include going to big events/concerts largely because everything was on last week it seems.
The first thing I want to mention was the 'shotgun wedding' on friday of an old mate of mine from college, yet another Dom, Dominic Ellis. I say shotgun because that's the way Dom described it when I first heard about it in an e-mail from him on Monday last week. The other hallmark of a shotgun wedding is that yes, the bride may have been pregnant (which you couldn't tell by the way) but Dom & Pam have been together quite some time. The sheer disorganisation and last minuteness of the wedding is down to Dom being something of a bufoon. The success and turnout on the day was down to the kind of loyalty he has inspired in his friends. For starters I don't think I've ever met a man who relies so much on the principle of 'it'll be ok in the end', I don't think it's an accident that this coincides with Dom being the smoothest, most charming bloke I know. I think that this shows that things'll work out if you're as smooth and charming as Dom. As I said, unorthodox and as last minute as it was it was a great success. The turnout from my year at college was sterling considering that we all found out on monday. The church (next to Spitalfields market was suitably Grandiose and the reception in a nearby tearoom which consisted of champagne and Sushi worked really well especially with my diet apart from a piece of black forest gateaux which somehow slipped through. Both bride and groom looked great and showed me that I'm far from getting right my photograph face, some of my post stroke pictures are a disgrace. This seems to be an occupational hazard of having incomplete control and feeling in my facial muscles, particularly trying to smile or keeping my eyes open.
The other thing that was nice about the wedding was it gave me a chance to see almost all my college friends. The preponderance of small children,
apart from making the church service much more entertaining reminded me of how far behind I am in the 'normal life' stakes. Maybe I ought to just accept that I'm years behind and that this is one particular ship I have missed, but there will be others. It's just hard to accept that. Especially when almost all my exs' are either married or engaged.
Anyway, the time for morbid introspection is never so I'll quickly just slot in something positive that my physical therapist told me to include. On my special exercise bike that I can use in my wheelchair

there's a screen that shows how much effort each limb(arms or legs is contributing. As you can imagine my left side has consistently been down on my right side and I have to really concentrate to get the left side to contribute much but on Monday I was able to maintain symmetry for noticeably longer than usual. Apparently, this is progress,

The other thing I have really decided to focus on is trying to do something, ANYTHING about my fatigue

which is the thing that is destroying my life and everything I try to do. It consumes my every waking moment, it makes me negative,depressed and tetchy. It knocks on into everything such that I don't even like being with myself. How anyone else can stand me I don't know, already I can feel some people losing patience with me and I'm not surprised, what's worse is I still don't feel confident there's a way out of this for the rest of my life. To that end, several people saw a thing in the papers called The Lightning Process which I have found to my horror is hypnosis
(because I'm a sceptic) although I do hold out some hope because back in 2004 hypnosis helped me quit smoking. At the time this was virtually a miracle because I was a 30 a day addict or as my friend Nick once said 'Dom, I don't know anyone who smokes as much as you', I didn't know whether to be ashamed or proud! As it happens quitting probably saved my life and meant I was able to fight off a serious lung infection when I was in intensive care. So fingers crossed this does something although I've always been unsure that 'talking therapy' actually does anything. I've always treated talking therapists as kind people who listen well and are there to moan too, which definitely helps but someone sitting there and actively trying to change the way you feel/think, nah, never believed it works, I've always believed that medication and operations are the only serious way you can make changes because I honestly believe that giving up smoking might have been a fluke, as absurd as it sounds.
But, I had what I think was a bit of a pivotal conversation with Vicki, my psychologist, actually she's a psychology student who comes to see me once a week out of the goodness of her heart, she simply said that 'with talking therapy, you have to believe it's going to help you, rather than automatically believing it won't'. Not rocket science but good point.
Finally, there are those that say that this blog and the fact that I like going to events is proof enough that I have plenty of time and energy on my hands. This is something I couldn't feel more strongly about.
I use my scarce time and pathetic reserves of energy to do as much of a balance between rest, activity and rehabilitation as I can and know that I sometimes get it wrong. Life is practically unbearable but somehow I just get through it, apologies.

1 comment:

nurul iman said...

Thank you very Steady info ... hopefully more successful.
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