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3 May 2009

Post 125: What's been on/on my mind this week

So, another week has lolloped lackadaisically  by, so it's therefore time to furnish whoever reads this with the latest edition of my insecurities if anyone is still bothered.
Firstly a voice I listen too has said a couple of things that have touched a nerve, in other words 'they're probably true'. For starters and nothing new to me, just saying that I was 'unduly negative'. This isn't news but in combination with 'people don't like to be around negative people' and the much more hard-hitting 'women don't go near weak men', the combination of all of these, directed at me, was a bit to close to the bone (ie true) and it hasn't helped being newly single.
I should of known it was too good to be true and that I was punching above my weight, because she was far too beautiful to be with someone like me! Before my stroke she would probably just have been in my league but since my stroke I have been relegated several divisions on the outside, try telling my brain that! The 'women don't go near weak men' particularly stung because it's absolutely true and I know this,but somewhere in the back of my mind I'd hoped that what I've been reduced to might somehow not matter in the context of my adult life where I was a pretty good guy, approaching the time when I ought to have been settling down and then suddenly 'kapow', I'm faced with something totally different. I now am a weak, but intelligent (I hope) bloke looking to rebuild my life but in need of someone to hold my hand, had I been remotely like this before my stroke I would have slapped myself in the face and told myself to 'pull myself towards myself'.
But where I am now has happened and I am trying to make the most of this by:
Writing this, keeping it as real, raw and readable as possible
Keeping up with friends without whom this would have been even more of a struggle than it is
Trying to (allegedly) retain a sense of humour and decent mental health
Trying to find a girlfriend
Try as hard as possible with my physical therapy in order to walk and use my left arm properly again
Try to re-invent myself as someone who inspires others and is worth making the journey to spend time with
This, I know is a fairly tall order but is not impossible. I know that somehow I can achieve it, I have to achieve all these things to make life worthwhile again because it isn't at the moment. I don't feel physically capable of anything which is no bloody good. Time and time again people tell me to try 'thinking positively'. This makes me want to leap out of my wheelchair and wring their bloody necks. The only thing that makes me think positively is laughter, being able to treat my friends and physical affection.
Combining the first two is why I like taking my friends out to shows or out to lunch/dinner. Obviously the 3rd thing is completely out of my control. I have no way of meeting new people so it's pretty tricky, this blog is really my main exhibit in a fairly sparse exhibition.
I'll try and write something this week about seeing comedians Jimmy Carr on friday night (it was the same show I saw at the Apollo in January being filmed for his latest payday, no DVD, my opinion of him is much the same as in post 98, Huge plaudits go to my mate Oli Cassidy post91 &108 and genius (not just because he looks like a mad professor) Daniel Kitson last night. Till then I'll try to 'toughen up'. Huge thans go to Simon Dawes and his lovely wife Yvonne for taking me and Shaun, Renae and Simon W for keeping me company there. I couldn't live without these people. Kitsons funniest joke (to me) 'Masturbation rarely survives the onslaught of Existentialism'. How hard is it to keep going when you question what you're doing often when weeping gently. Brilliant.
I haven't finished yet . A few hours ago I wished goodbye to the Walmsleys (pregnant Sally, Nick and 14 month old Oscar (post118) who is my favourite of my friends children partly because he's such a great kid and because he has changed my mind about ever having children if I ever find someone to have them with.

3 comments:

Simon said...

I could tell you that Hitler didn't like people in wheelchair, which could be close to the bone. Doesn't mean it is true. Unless your friend has spoken to every woman on the planet, how are they to know?

And more importantly, you aren't weak: you have come through the other side of a massive stroke, which takes guts and courage, certainly not weakness.

Dom P said...

That's kind of you to say matey, shame re: Tuesday, I hope Shaun is better

nilo said...

1. I've almost commented on Oscar several times, but I've stopped myself each time because I've been afraid it will push me into the "Good god, who the hell is this woman?!?!?!?!? category. Now I just don't care.

He is a gorgeous child. And he has had the best cheeks ever for his entire life. And I totally want to squeezle him. And this comes from a woman with two awfully cute kids of her own.


2. lolloped lackadaisically - look, just signing up for the course has improved your writing dramatically. You're alliterating and onomotopaiaeing all at the same time. I'm so proud.

3. Forget this league and that league. People are people. Your life is tough. She thought she could deal and she couldn't. Props to her for trying and probably pushing herself outside of her comfort zone to start. Does it suck for you? Hell, yes. I'm not even going to try to minimize that or talk you out of being devastated. But not all relationships work out. Most don't. And many for a lot less significant things than a wheelchair. So you obviously are still attractive to women or you wouldn't have gotten as far with her as you did in the first place. Try looking at it like that instead. :)

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