17 Jun 2009

Post 133: A difficult week despite Britney inconcert

I have toyed with the idea of not publishing this post but I want to make this blog an honest record of what is going through my mind so here goes:
Ian (my physio) is now back so torture has been resumed. Ian actually told me off on Tuesday for never giving myself enough credit for my 'achievements'. Unfortunately my sense of achievement is basically binary, I either can walk independently or I can't. All I know is that I feel terrible and unlike most 32 year olds I can't look after myself. Ian's telling me off was about my continued despondency, something that has often been a particular speciality of mine. I am continually told that I need to give myself enough credit for the effort I make but it seems no matter how much physio I do my left leg still feels like it's made of concrete my balance is still non-existent and I still have no feeling in my left arm. My fatigue still makes me cry and feel pathetic and powerless. What destroys me is that there seems to be a train of thought that believes that positive thought can make you 'think yourself better' which drives me insane and makes me think that there is no understanding of exactly how rubbish this is. I want more than ever to be the energetic, positive, occasionally amusing, 20-something with decent prospects and a future but instead I feel that my entire existence is all about failure. I am aware that this doesn't exactly paint me in a good light but I am fed up with 'happy clappy' positivity', the last three and a half years have taught me that this is much more of a physiological problem. There are clearly some psychological issues at play but psychology hasn't supplied anything more than kind folk to talk to (sorry if that offends some psychologists) . It is with this backdrop of despair and unhappiness that I just had a chat with one of my most entertaining friends, the Revd Richard Lloyd. A unique guy who was in the same year as me at college. Luckily he hasn't taken offence at some of my heretical
views which even non-believers cringe at. He has presided over some of the weddings of my closest friends and I used to often laugh my way round the golf course with him. I would inevitably lose because he'd hit the ball metronomically straight and always be on the receiving end of what I would call 'church bounces'.
Usually, we have pretty jovial conversations. Today, I had to tell him 'that he'd caught me on a pretty bad day'. Doubtless these bad days will reoffend but my old self is somewhere in me, I honestly believe that the love of the right girl(whoever and wherever she is) will bring out the best in me again, I believe it did in the past) but now things could be better. I have my friends and family who have been great but it's not the same as having somebody special, god this sounds like a lonely heart and a cry for help!
Even my recollections of the Britney Spears concert at the pikeydome on Sunday couldn't cheer me up. Ms Spears is clearly short on Musical talent but long on other 'er 'Charms'. The press have been baying that she mimes most of her act, maybe she was when they were watching, I don't think she even bothers to do that. She is a great dancer but sadly between me and Shaun we failed to get any pictures. I forgot my camera memory card and his cameraphone ran out of batteries.Piss-up:Brewery frankly. From our very good vantage point at least Britney looks great again. One unwitting highlight of the evening was the fact that the two gay blokes who had somehow got the best seats in the disabled section(last time I checked being gay wasn't a disability unless the Domes access policy has gone mad) By the end they were up on their feet and punching the air and whooping like morons. I think Shaun, Renae and I were rather more understated in our appreciation, with the most we could muster being we'd enjoyed 'a bizarre concert' and at least Britney acknowledged being a freak with the theme of the show being 'the circus'


Shaun said...

Oh, I dunno. My memories of Britney in her sparkly bikinis and police woman's outfit are still certainly putting a smile on my face 4 days later :)

Dom P said...

unfortunately my eyesight was too sh*t to share your appreciation!



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