12 Jul 2009

Post 142:The havoc that can be wreaked on the fragile human mind

I wish I could sound a bit more upbeat, I really want to but it's difficult not to face facts. I feel worse than someone with permanent flu except this isn't life threatening, it's just draining. I know how awful it is to worry about your loved ones now after my friend Mernie
worried that her husband Alasdair might have Swine flu,
this was scary, he is still unwell but we doubt it's the dreaded Swine Flu but worry, fear and the unknown wreak terrible havoc on the fragile human mind.
The main reason my mental condition hasn't been up to much this week has been mainly because of the deterioration of my left hand but also because a dearth of events to take my mind off things and because of a lack of visits from friends, I'm not surprised, I would have lost interest in me a long time ago, on closer inspection I think I have. My left hand refuses to work (to the extent of a few weeks ago) we think because of the Ritalin but the explanation/theory is hardly satisfactory, ie that the Ritalin has shut down part of my brain that had previously re-learnt how to open my left hand, my carer even thought I'd had another stroke! It's difficult not to think that months of painstaking therapy has not been wasted. It's so demoralising. Even the fact that 3 of my best friends are raising/have raised some quite significant sums for the trust to help improve my quality of life. Firstly cycling enthusiast Dom Icely( read maniac!),
one of my oldest and coolest friends (not because he's old or because his nicknames Iceman! Etc... see post 69 for an explanation of how we go way back). His wife Alice is a great friend of mine, their first sprog is due in a few weeks, actually, speaking of which, the Walmsleys (Nick and Sally post 125) had a girl on Friday to go with their awesome son Oscar, clever b*stards, having one of each, I can imagine Nick saying 'RESULT' rather loudly.
I myself feel slightly forlorn and think that a 'mail order bride'
may be my only solution, which is about as far removed from my pre-stroke expectations as is imaginable, this for me is a sign of life hitting rock bottom. This sort of thinking is not helpful but it's difficult not to do it.
In the meantime I try and spend my time looking for events that I and my friends would enjoy. I've got a couple of good ones coming up, on Sunday old mate Paul Reeves and his lovely (heavily pregnant) wife Iwona, even Reevesey is procreating! Good God, those that know him might chuckle, but the former 'King of Filth' (mainly for some of his squaddie stories
and his taste in music) but him and Iwona couldn't be sweeter together!
Tomorrow they're looking after me by taking me to see Aussie comedian Adam Hills
at the open air theatre in Regents park,
a funny man who I was first amused by on the BBCs 'Mock the Week', a program that has inspired me to see a lot of comedians live
and probably kept my sense of humour pretty dark! (but ticking over nonetheless). On Monday I'm going to see oft seen Genial bearded comedian Daniel Kitson
with my carer, neighbour, some friends and two of the most beautiful people I know, Lucy and my psychologist Vicki
– Kitson's genius is likely to be the secondary attraction!
Regardless of laughter being a good medicine all 'real' medicine appears to either be useless – (most anti-depressants) which seem to have done sod-all and the Ritalin which appears to have set me back several months, is this seriously the best that medical science has to offer?
I have flown off on a tangent again!
The other point that I wanted to make was that two great mates. Shaun Rowland and Simon Winstanley, this is the picture they're using on their money-raising page!
are (attempting) to run the 'Asics London 10k' on Sunday 12th (post 135 for my initial thoughts) to raise money for the trust, I don't really have the words to express my gratitude. Another of the acts of kindness that make me glad to still be alive no matter how hard it can sometimes feel.


Simon said...

Me and Shaun did the 10k in pretty respectable times of 54 mins (me) and 52 mins (Shaun). My legs are killing me today and i doubt cycling into work helped, or the severe insomnia i had last night!! All in all it was good fun (if that's the right word) and the weather was great for it.

We are still clawing sponsorship money in for it, so if anyone reading this would like to post-race sponsor us please get in touch with Dom and he can pass your details onto me.

Dom P said...

Thanks to you both. Just awesome! Which is the less stressfull fundraising activity, this or putting on a special becomeone? I know which is healthier!



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