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14 Jul 2009

Post 143: I wish time was a little bit faster






WARNING: So it's Tuesday today
and it seems sensible to indulge in some blog therapy but sadly none of this is light-hearted. For the last decade certainly Tuesdays have often been some of the worst days so since my stroke I have tried to make them a little easier by having it as my one weekday when I don't have any physio and I have tried to reward myself by arranging good regular appointments so I have tried to arrange my psychology session with Vicki on Tuesdays but sadly she's on holiday. Regular readers will know that Vicki has become my guiding light. She has been instrumental in talking me down from the despair I felt over Natasha. To be clear, losing Tash to someone else and their subsequent engagement (post 117) was the worst I have ever felt in my life. 'Here he goes again, yadda yadda' YAWN well Vicki has turned this round for me, firstly by finding me a Counsellor, Harry, but also giving me a friendly shoulder to cry on. Harry handles affairs of the head and Vicki handles affairs of the heart. It's amazing how the human psyche (mine in particular) reacts well to kindness, intelligence and beauty. For my sins, it used to bring out the best in me at work, mixed with a large slice of comedy or genuine hard work – this used to make time melt away, and it is rare that that ever happens these days. I am now acutely aware of the passage of time which often seems to stand still, particularly and ironically when you least want it to
, ie when I've got nothing to do or during my physio sessions, that the clock tells me last an hour and a half but feel more like they take the whole morning/afternoon. 'Time flies when you're having fun'
goes the old adage. Time hasn't flown since before christmas 2005!
I have frequently (somewhat cynically) had a go at 'positive thought' as this 'cure-all' which often gets bandied around. There is this school of thought that seems to say that if you ever feel bad then all you have to do is think of something good and everything is suddenly fine. Bullsh*t, it doesn't work like that – trust me, I've tried. Given, it would be helpful to be more positive but how realistic would that be?
I happen to agree with comedian Marcus Brigstocke
who I recently heard say on the radio 4 now show Podcast that 'he'd be out of a job' if he stopped being cynical. Although I wouldn't have a job to lose I'd lose most of who I was if I turned into some perma-positive happy-clappy loon!
This reminds me of the story of a friend of mine who came to see me in hospital,a chap called Paul, or known affectionately to his friends as 'mad Paul'
. Now Paul is a huge believer in the power of positive thought so much so he actually said to me; 'I'm the kind of person now that I would have taken the p*ss out of in the past' but all the same he has one of the biggest hearts of anyone alive.
I'm at the p*sstake stage, because whenever I've tried to think positively I've had laughable results because it just doesn't work for me. I believe it's always important to keep a grip on what is real to help you deal with the real world and it annoys me that so many people seem to think this is the wrong attitude to have especially to recovery from stroke! The 'think yourself better' approach as I call it rather patronisingly says to me that one day I'll just wake up in a different frame of mind, throwing off the negative thoughts that have been holding me back and be able to leap out of my wheelchair and walk again,
this negates the hours of physio that I have done to seemingly get nowhere.
Not even seeing bearded comedy genius Daniel Kitson
reading a rather eccentric 'work in progress/shambles' story that he had conjured at a place callet the Battersea Arts Centre,
that I used to walk past every day, 10 years ago when I lived nr Clapham Junction and always used to think aloud 'I wonder what happens in there?' It confirmed my suspicions last night, the wearing of lots of baggy jeans and trendy haircuts, usually with some sort of facial piercing, I could have been in Hoxton! Last night can't even lift this cloud. Even being able to take Vicki to it was not enough to allay this annoyance. I had a damn good go on Sunday when I went to see Aussie comedian Adam Hills with Paul and Iwona Reeves.
We had a great time, Paul and Iwona are lovely people and even better they're soon moving to London. We were all agreed that Adam Hills is the charming, kind, witty face of Australia (a minority then;-) but he was clearly the nicest stand-up comedian I've ever seen, showing people to their seats at the start and even posing for a photo with yours truly,
to giving presents afterwards to audience members who had helped during the show. The last stand-up event the Reeves' had taken me to on my instigation, Al Murray, the pub landlord, we all agreed, Hills was a million times better and not just because it didn't rain! (It was at the Regents park outdoor theatre).
You've probably noticed that I'm finding the going tough right now. To be brutally honest the going has never been easy even before life fell apart. I'm always trying to make things easier but not always succeeding. Apologies for the serious nature of this sh*t today.

3 comments:

Simon said...

Can Harry not help you out at all the moment?

Dom P said...

We need to talk about this Si.Next week when you and the Rowlands trundle down here

Simon said...

Okey doaky.

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