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4 Oct 2009

Post 159: Finding it hard to give 100%, some inspiring news and a fitting leaving bash

Not a great week but sadly it never seems to be these days. Things are changing here about as fast as in Barack Obama's America, too slowly to notice any difference, physically, I think I can safely say that the injection in the eye hasn't helped, what a fun follow up appointment that will be, to borrow a phrase from a friend of mine's young son 'more like a disappointment' I intend to burn that bridge when I come to it (Hear, Hear) – 'you've blinded
me in my right eye you b*stard' will be hard not to say to which he will probably reply 'exterminate!' – the other thing my damaged brain has been pondering is the fundamental philosophical and mathematical question if 100% times a small amount is a small amount why bother to give 100%?'. I only say this because my physio accused me this week of sometimes 'just going through the motions' and sometimes not giving 100%. You know what, he's right, because of that question earlier and because my ultimate incentive never seems to get any closer despite lengthy 'torture' or 'physio' as most people call it. Yesterday afternoon (Friday)(in my nth session of the week) I tried crawling and couldn't because of the uselessness of my left arm and leg, even babies can crawl FFS! At least I have a physio who is strong enough physically to try and help me and is mentally strong enough to put up with my obvious disappointment in myself. After 4 years I'm still in need of other people which is so against the instincts that are driven into you by the modern world. People are friends with each other because some people are energetic, funny, intelligent and positive. I used to score highly here but I'm now two of these at best. I was 6'3” and passably ok looking, Now Gordon Brown looks like George Clooney compared to me, I feel that I might have lost any positive outlook on life that I ever had, although I was slightly cheered up that misery can approach you to national treasure status if you look at Jack Dee. I was watching his latest comedy series 'Lead Balloon' yesterday which he wrote and starred in and, you can actually imagine him being as miserable and curmudgeonly as his famous comedian character 'Rick Spleen' in real life. It is funny as long as you find 'schadenfreunde' funny, which I'm ashamed to say I occasionally do. Ie if I found out you were from Gravesend I'd laugh – (it's the worlds most depressing town just because of the people and that doesn't even include the name, the architecture and location, proximity to France, Bluewater and the M25 are probably its best features). Offence intended.
Practically the only thing that has given me hope this week, and that great line from the Shawshank Redemption makes me feel guarded 'Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. ... ' but the news was that Harry, my mid fifties stroke survivor counsellor has just recently got engaged and he's over the moon about it saying to me as I left our session on Wednesday like a 14 year old who just managed to buy a pack of 20 'she's a real beauty', she is too. adding that old chestnut 'you never know what's around the corner'. A good cliché, but a cliché nonetheless. But good work Harry and it has proved to me that nice guys can have a chance. Even if you've had a stroke.
I feel the need to offer an addendum which will be a horrendous non-sequitur but that's familiar ground!
I was fortunate enough to be able to go to Steve and Naomi's
leaving bash last night. On 25th October they will be moving to Melbourne. This was always the plan after their wedding because Naomi is an antip. I might have found myself uttering 'lucky b*stards' a few times at them last night. The prospect of having two summers I suspose stoked a little jealousy. Since I have known them they have always greeted me with Smiles even though Steve used to gently take the p&ss out of me for my 'poshness'.This is fair enough, I didn't exactly do myself any favours. Steve was a club promoter and one day I turned up to an event fresh from a hard days drinking at the cricket wearing a blazer. I couldn't help being a fool sometimes. For some reason he gave me the time of day and we had the same taste in music (which I have found really binds people together (and incidentally can cause some of the worst rows I've ever seen). I ended up DJing for his party 'Knowwherea few times and getting to know a whole host of party folk (who were out in force last night before Steve made it possible (in August 2004) to achieve my DJing ambition of playing in the main room of the club I'd first gone to in 1998 , 'the Fridge' in Brixton.
Now, viewed objectively, in the grand scheme of ambitions, this is hardly swimming with Dolphins but to me this was a big deal and Steve had made it possible which in my book was a pretty nice thing to do. Aside from this we had also shared some great party moments, be they in the soundshaft(another venue that Knowwhere had frequented), the Fridge, Sublogic
Ibiza or any number of Londons late-night, loud music establishments. It was perhaps fitting that so many friendly and familiar faces had turned up to wish Steve and Gnomes ( Naomi's nickname which I suspect will stick forever) au revoir, indeed PabloSteve's larger than life best man, Knowwhere co-promoter and DJ was soon sweating it out behind the decks reminding us all of the music that had brought us together, although I find it exhausting to navigate, see, hear and be heard these days it was nonetheless nice to catch up with quite a few familiar faces who take on the dual role of humouring me (craning to hear what I'm actually saying (in a voice that only Steven Hawking could be pleased with) and looking after me in equal measure. I'm glad I can go to events like these but my I do find them hard mainly because being exhausted and finding everything exhausting is awful but for occasions like this you make the effort, since my stroke allmost all of these people have gone out of their way for me (I think Steve and Gnomes even chose the venue with wheelchair access in mind. It was a fitting send off, Steve was in one his trademark loud shirts, Naomi as usual looked great, loads of my old friends like Shaun,Renae and Simon were there, I had a long chat to Jo and Gary, who appear now to have weathered the shellshock of the birth a few weeks ago of their first child, a girl called Sophia Rose, Jo is already back to her pre pregnancy loveliness it seems and her husband Gary said that in terms of sleep they're having 'good days and bad days' it's not just a baby that can cause that! Then there were the Grants (Tim and Alex) who have been so kind since my stroke as well as Gaelle and Michael who are always a joy to see. The big surprise was seeing megan and Jon
for the first time since their amazing wedding (Post 150) and looking radiant, and not forgetting Ben Green, the man who has stepped forward to take me to see Aussie Comedian Tim Minchin tonight (last night now and what a performance, the Australian bastard child of Bill Bailey and Russell Brand) at the last minute, what a hero! And a last gasp mention goes to the Whites (Adam and Emma Jayne who have got married since I last saw them, for that matter Mrs White used to be known as the slightly bonkers Minimoo, that's all changed apparently! Anyway, I'm slightly tired today but final thanks must go to mr & mrs Dawes (Simon and Yvonne for driving me last night. Without friends like them life can't continue.

1 comment:

Anushka said...

Mrs White used to be known as the slightly bonkers Minimoo, that's all changed apparently!

Lies! Lies! Lies! She is as mental as ever - Emma will never change (lets hope so)

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