1 Nov 2009

Post 164: This damn tiredness of the 'usual sh*t'

Questions I get asked a lot and I struggle to answer are 'hows things going, how are you feeling and what have you been up to? Because sadly my invariable answer is 'the usual' or more regularly 'the usual sh*t'. Now this may not be the most positive answer in the world but it is the bloody truth and even when something relatively OK happens I only go and forget it because my short term memory is shot to pieces. So while I remember it, I just want to go over a conversation I had with some mates who came to see me the other evening, I love it when people come to see me, it is a selfless act – i.e. people giving up their time to come and see me, and now I'm out of London it's a slightly more significant undertaking, which makes me even more grateful, although being out of town does make me feel even more lonely, sad but true.
Anyway, this conversation on Thursday night went along the lines of 'so what can you do that'd make you happier?' - this is a damn good question which is difficult to answer, the reason I've not been happy (I think) has everything to do with always feeling unwell. Since waking up after my stroke almost 4 years ago I have felt more tired than if I'd had the flu everyday and if you've ever been unlucky enough to have the flu, you'll know that it's difficult to even drag your sorry*rse out of bed to go to the loo. And so this conversation the other night continued by saying 'maybe starting this creative writing course will capture your imagination and make you feel happier?'. Maybe but the only unbroken time that doesn't have physio or other therapy sessions is the weekend and could you imagine finding the energy when you feel like you've got the flu to start something that requires a pretty big investment in energy to concentrate, and me who has historically done my best work when working for someone towards a deadline, which I think is why I do this blog because I feel I have a responsibility to the small army of readers (emphasis on small) who bother reading this blog on Monday mornings.
It is still a bit of a mystery to me what used to make my last life good. Certainly feeling good and healthy featured highly and fear of never achieving this again is a bit of a double whammy
to my general state now. Having some self esteem /pride in myself helped, having plenty of mates, a wonderful, beautiful girlfriend, a good job that I loved , independence and pretty much the freedom to do whatever I liked all contributed to my general happiness (pretty much all that crap in the introduction really)
On Tuesday my friend Sacha
(probably fed up with my moaning) said she was going to make me write down all the things I was grateful for and with typical bloody mindedness I replied 'the first problem with that is I can't actually write!' which drew her usual reply 'that doesn't wash with me' seeing as she was my driver for the evening I couldn't much disagree with her apart from the fact that it's true, I can't actually write but she does have a point, I have plenty to be grateful for, the point that I seem to immediately think of an opposite to each one caused by my condition is probably as irritating to you as it is to me. So I'm not ungrateful, just annoyingly logical, in fact I was having this conversation yesterday – whether I argued emotionally or logically, now the answer to that is obviously logically. This is an odd contradiction for someone who has lived the last 4 years through one end (and not the good end) of the emotional spectrum. What irritates me is that no logic can be applied to this f*cking condition it seems. In the meantime I remain more miserable than Morrissey, I went to go see at the Albert Hall on Tuesday (sorry,had to be done) with my mate Simon Champ. Knowing the square root of f*ck all about the miserable one, this had been Champs suggestion and between us we'd wondered if Morrissey would even show up after his collapse on stage on Sunday night. Instead his super-dry sense of humour and his performing brilliance were intact, he informed the crowd that 'the doctor had told him not to smile' He had replied 'I don't', his loss I suppose, I couldn't have got through the last 4 years (or most of life) without smiling and laughing, so to that end I went to see Aussie comedian Adam Hills' show 'inflatable' in Farnham on Wednesday with a group of mates (in the end there were 7 of us) and it inspired me to post this on his blog - “The 2nd time I’ve seen inflatable (first time was at Regents Park open air theatre) and 2nd time I've been to the maltings. As a young wheelchair user this event ticked all the boxes. Positive, happy, uplifting material, I was so confident that it would be good that I had organised a group of us to go, what a great mid week evening thing to do, a night of many laughs without a hangover in sight. Adam is awesome and so good for the mental health and mine i’nt the best
Rather than drone on all this leads me to conclude that: The most important thing to be grateful for in life is undoubtedly your health and if you don't have that it is the love only a partner can give and if you don't have either you'll find life hard. I suppose the only good news is I'm substituting drinking that vile Chinese herbal tea for some tablets, it tasted so evil it must have been a little bit helpful! That or the Chinese doctor was having a jolly good laugh, cackling to herself 'I can't believe people drink this...'
So, the moral of the story is 'always be grateful for your health'.
The last news is that with help I have organised this years trust Christmas drinks to be on Thursday 10th December at the same venue as the last couple of years (post 88), This really is an important event for my mental health so please come if you can, if you think that you should of got an invite but haven't that's much more likely to be down to my lack of technical know-how, my reliance on facebook, some other form of incompetence rather than me being insidious (I have neither the energy or inclination), please get in touch whichever way you can.

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