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6 Dec 2009

Post 170: Another great wedding




I think the 'blind leading the blind' is the best way to describe it when my mother is my designated driver these days, and I'm bloody lucky that she sees the funny side when I take the piss out of her on here. Yesterday (Friday) was a case in point, I went to yet another wedding, this time it was the wedding of Anna and Paul, two people who I used to manage at John Lewis - I am hard pushed to think of two better suited people and I am so proud of them both. Paul is a tall verbose jocular brummy (if I'm honest a bit of a liability, yes, takes one to know one etc) who happens to be incredibly entertaining and I used to call Anna 'the Geezer from Malteser' because she is more full of chat than your average barrowboy, oh , and she's Maltese and gorgeous by the way, being these two's boss was often hilarious, being a bit wet behind the ears they would sometimes manage me! There was rarely a dull moment with these two around. About six months after the two of them became an item, there was a certain incident where the two of them might have been caught getting fresh in the facilities by a security guard. Good for them, that's what young love's about, but boy did we laugh especially at first, when the JL gossip machine mis-identified the culprits, there were quite a few people saying 'Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaly' the next day. Thinking back there are only a very few things that can beat having a laugh at work and given what I've said before in this blog I'm not going to bore people by saying again what those might be.
Anyway, going back to my 'blind leading the blind' bit, I may be extremely lucky to have a septuagenarian mother who loves going to weddings because she loves the occasion and talking to complete strangers but it's the bits in between that compel me to try not to shout, take out my mental notebook and extract the Michael later on. At 9:45am yesterday morning I was just coming to the end of my morning struggle, I'd had my shower and I was finishing up the Herculean effort it takes to dress these days with one hand when I heard what can only be described as the Tasmanian Devil from the cartoons come through the front door and shout at me to hurry up 'We have to leave at 1045!' Now, before being told this, this time would probably have been achievable, now it was looking doubtful. For some inexplicable reason being rushed just doesn't compute, particularly these days, where disability and permanent fatigue make urgency anathema. God, using language like that makes me sound as annoying as Frasier and Nials Crane let's face it, are both pretentious c*cks, if Frasier (the show) didn't make us laugh occasionally, I would think both of their characters would be in the running to be the worlds worst example of what to be like alongside 'fiddy' cent. Anyway, the things that stand out about yesterdays logistics were about mums inability to follow the sat nav – if she can't do that it doesn't make sense to me that she can drive a car, oh what the hell, I'm practically dead, what difference will it make risking my life to go to places with her? What particularly gets me is the questioning 'why's it taken us down here? Its very hard for me to resist the urge to sarcastically say 'I don't know because of course I know all about the sat nav algorithms because I used to work for Garmin' but as she's a daily mail reading middle class person she'd like me to say 'It's because Garmin is wholly owned by the French and it is deliberately taking us the wrong way as an act of revenge against us'. 'God (who I don't believe in) help us'.
We eventually made it to the wedding. We were even early because Traffic on the A40 was light. But there is a fine line between being early so you can relax or being early so you have to sit around, luckily, the Sun was shining, and despite it being bitterly cold the church was warm, so it gave us a chance to sit around, and relax while also catching up with a few familiar faces, most important of which were the Dawes (Yvonne and Simon) who often come and see me and take me to some choice events, thry are great people! There were also some I haven't seen since being stretchered off. The first of whom was Michelle who had come all the way over from her new home in Melbourne complete with strapping Aussie Husband and a fully fledged Australian accent! The same seems to be happening to my good friend Simon 'the Hat' Potter, well if he would move to Sydney, I'm sure the same is happening to my good Uni mate Richard 'rubbish' Curtis, whose brother Dave popped in to see me last week. I love seeing people I haven't seen for years. Rich moved to Oz after marrying an Aussie girl called Kylie, you couldn't make it up! He's no doubt having the last laugh, she's lovely and he's not in the dark and cold that pervades Britain at this time of year! I have digressed, I was gently poking fun at the idiosyncrasies of my mum, the thing that had also caused more stress on Friday was my insistence on phoning and emailing the Dome to try and get tickets (released that morning) to see arguably Britain's most popular comedian Peter Kay, Thank god I sent them an email because it acted as a sort of placeholder. Thankfully I didn't let Simon Amstells caustic comment on 'Never Mind The Buzzcocks' change my mind 'Peter Kay has done me a favour by releasing a DVD this year because I needed a present for someone really thick, who I hate'. Despite this it didn't stop tickets selling out faster than you can say 'Garlic Bread'. Anyway back to Anna and Pauls wedding, I'm sure the service was nice for despite a great view of the erm 'action' which seems to come with the wheelchair. I tend to ignore most of the god bothering stuff but think it serves as an important reminder of how marriage is important. Anna looked amazing and Paul had scrubbed up pretty well and together they looked fantastic, it's always nice seeing people looking their best (and happiest). It is life affirming and believe me when I say that is what I need right now, just this second someone has just sent me an email about a guy who was born with no arms and asking me if I found the way he has managed to get through life inspirational. Well yes, I can't begin too imagine how hard life must have been for him. He must have needed someone to do absolutely everything for him, what makes these people special is how they're able to deal with other people doing things for them. This is where I fall down, I find it very hard to keep calm when other people have to do things for me which I would have normally done myself is why I strive to achieve as much independence as possible. I admire the calmness and demeanor of those who stay calm whilst other people have to do things for them, my tetraplegic friend Carlie is a case in point. She is far calmer and more patient than I could ever dream of being. That is what I admire.
I've gone off topic again! The service at Anna and Pauls will be remembered by me for five things
1.Michelles thick Australian accent when she gave the reading
2.The priest and then Paul trying to recite Anna's seemingly endless middle names and eventually giving up, The priest just called her Anna Henrietta in the end cutting off Rosina, Maria and others
3.Anna's local priest giving the service and sounding just like Father Ted 4.How great all the girls looked
5.Most importantly: How great and happy the couple looked
The reception was noisy and sumptuous, and Paul being a bit of a loose cannon was a pretty easy target for the best men who trotted out a series of pictures of Paul passed out after he had had one too many, a skill that I used to be quite well practiced at myself! Luckily very few have been caught on camera, embarrassing photo's are clearly the way forward in speeches because those that are too embarrassing can be weeded out, and according to one of the bestmens fathers' who I was next to the pictures had already been carefully edited. I hate to think what didn't make the cut! Anna's dad's speech was eloquent, funny and heartfelt. Anna once described him to me as Tony Soprano-esque and that he was, at Pains to welcome Paul into the 'family' and remarking on Pauls height 'I look forward to some tall grandchildren. Trust me, the Maltese ain't tall! Paul's speech was masterly (for a Brummie), although The bit where he raised his hands in the air and shouted 'COME ON THE ALBION' was unorthodox but it did finish with the best line I've ever heard in a grooms speech, turning to Anna 'You're well fit and I love you sh*tloads'.I was inspired by that.
Before any of this, on Thursday night I had been taken to the Dome by a couple of comedy fans (Ian and PJ) to go and see ultra-random comedian, Eddie Izzard. Now, he's obviously a smart fella and a fine comedian. He's a big enoug name to fill the Dome but I wouldn't put him in my top 5 purely because I would say you have to be in the right frame of mind to consistently find him laugh outloud funny. These days I'm rarely in that mood. Some comedians I will laugh like hell even if I'm in the worst mood ever and feeling like I do , that 'worst mood ever' can be everyday. Anyway, once I'd warmed up, I thought Izzard was good with some choice gags, tackling the popular comedic theme that there is no god using the solid proof, despite the earth having been around for millions of years there's no solid proof that he's interved anywhere, the Bible being a great work of fiction, surely if there was a god he would have come down from the sky in a Monty Python-esque way and flicked off Hitlers Head? Natch, right on the money as far as I'm concerned. Also, his ridiculing Latin as a spoken language was bloody funny whilst his observation that if you're going to have a condition called Dyslexia, don't make it hard to spell had us (metaphorically) rolling in the aisles or iles (as dyslxisc would spell it)

On a totally different subject, The trust are having Christmas drinks this Thursday http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=161731730969&index=1 , please come if you can, it's so nice (and life affirming)to see everyone!

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