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25 Jan 2010

Post 181: A little light xenophobia never hurt anyone

I'm not in the habit of posting wholesale round robin emails for all sorts of reasons but mainly because they're not funny or interesting enough and are too rude/wrong to post, but this email offends every nationality and xenophobia's ok apparently, it's racism that's wrong and lazy – on the subject of bigotry, self confessed bigot and australian attache comedian brendon burns was on fire last night, he was first brought to my attention when a friend showed me this video and I thought it was pretty funny (don't watch this in an open plan office, my 2nd thought was 'he's one comedian never to heckle' and unbelievably when I saw him last night a lady heckled him and he destroyed her, hounding her out to riotous laughter and applause, he even asked the audience if anyone had filmed it. Anyway , the main reason I'm actually writing this is to post this email and thank the kind people who took me to the comedy last night, Tanya and her charming other half Ian. Regular long term sufferers of this blog will remember Tanya as the mate who helped me out a lot when I left hospital, sadly owing to some sort of Saffa personality clash with my then Saffa carers we lost touch, it was also a difficult time for me emotionally, well it still is. Anyway, here's the email, enjoy:
' The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats And have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, Though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 When tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror Alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a Heightened level of alert.

Italy
has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels Remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher Levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only Threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy Can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on All of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand
has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty Teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which Is "Sh*t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia
meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I Think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final Escalation level.
I would guess there are Aussie fingerprints on this email so while I'm poiting the finger at Australia and reproducing emails I just received this which made me chuckle:

NO NATIVITY SCENE THIS CHRISTMAS

There was no Nativity Scene in Canberra last year! The Constitutional Court ruled that there could not be a Nativity Scene in Nation's Capital
last Christmas season.

This wasn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


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