28 Jan 2010

Post 182: The meaning of my life (I think)

Truth be told this has been a fairly sh*tty week, in the words of a friend of mine 'mmmm. sorry to say but that sounds like business as usual to me, and i don't believe there's anything i could say to cheer you up :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(' , which through the medium of the internet is sadly true. That said one of the things that has wound me up this week is people that don't reply to my emails, maybe it is a legacy from internet dating where even if you spend quite some time and effort, which is a killer for me, reading up on someone's profile, discarding all the ones that contain the words 'fun-loving'. Seriously has there ever been a more vacuous, tautologous, nonsense of a phrase? I'm sure this will offend a disproportionate number of female online daters which is a cross I'll just have to bear. You're fun loving, really. Seriously? Is there anyone in the world who hates fun? Usually these girls are relentlessly positive, happy and optimistic – all great qualities, but looking at the inevitable holiday snaps of people holding a glass of wine or for some reason, jumping a fence on a horse does make me a bit nauseous but being unbelievably cute mitigates this a bit, plus you would not believe the number of single mums, I admit I am probably a bit old fashioned but this is a high proportion of girls. Is it churlish of me to think this is irresponsible of both partners? Obviously, accidents can happen and some men are bastards!
Trying to write a straight e-mail which explains my situation and what I am looking for is then hard, because let's be honest, as soon as girls see the words 'disabled' or 'wheelchair' they ignore everything else and everyone hates being ignored. Being 100% honest (as I always am)=no replies, and to be clear being ignored out of hand was not something I was used to in my previous life. It's worse when you have to put so much into it. Sadly, this, and variants of this is the only way I can meet new people these days, when I have met people this way it has usually been down to them taking the leap of faith into coming round here, having a cup of tea and a chat because that is all I want because chatting to new people (particularly pretty ones) is my lifeblood these days, if something happens, it happens, this and making sure I stay in touch with my existing network of friends, this, with my existing reserves of energy, my limited abilities and my torturous physio regime is pretty much my life these days, I know there are people in the world in worse positions but I don't know how knowing they exist is supposed to make me feel any better, I have to be selfish about the fact that in over 4 years, I have never once felt ok. I wake up everyday and all I do is exist, I do the same thing day in and day out and always feel the same and hope against hope that one day I'll get the email from the girl of my dreams who after meeting me will want to spend time with me, be attracted to me for the extra effort I make but don't have to make, be attracted to my sense of humour and any intellect I have left. All I want is the uncomplicated things in life again. I can't be a sugar daddy but I can provide security, reliability and some financial security and independence. To have someone to laugh and joke with, to curl up with a glass of red wine and watch a non-challenging DVD with. Someone who I can love and care for in return for the love and care she gives me.
Once I find this person, I can give up all this time I spend looking. Before I was abandoned by my ex girlfriend who I thought would stick by me, I never thought this would be something I'd have to worry about and I'd be able to concentrate on other things, namely my physical and mental recovery and my writing which I need to do a lot more of if I'm ever going to make a life out of it. I hope this explains where I'm coming from.
Sorry if this has been hard going but I had to get it out. There's little point to life if all you do is exist.

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