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7 Feb 2010

Post 184: I haven't earned a place in the sh*troom (yet)

'Have you ever googled your own name? It's like opening the door to a room full of people who tell you how sh*t you are' is my current favourite quote from the Armando Iannucci (writer of Alan Partridge) written BBC satire series 'The thick of it'. Maybe I have been spun by 'prince of darkness' Alistair Campbell but his laid back and phlegmatic response to watching 'In the Loop' a film said to be inspired by the mentalness (not a word but who cares) of New Labours obsession with PR and spin doctoring so they don't appear to be as hopeless as they actually are.
The last thing this blog is, is a place for me to have a political rant or a rant about politics because after all no-one cares (nor should they care) about what I think. I have categorically proved this by googling my own name and as far as I can see no-one has gone to the trouble of telling me how sh*t I am. That is reserved for people that matter. People who have made a difference, not people who's bodies have cataclysmically let them down so the only way they can really communicate with people is through sitting in front of their computer and slowly, pathetically and exhaustingly plugging away. I've lost count of the number of people who have pensively and earnestly told me 'it could be a lot worse mate'. I know that - I don't see healthy people giving thanks for being fine all the time, maybe after reading bit's of this or after coming to see me people realise how unlucky I am or how lucky they are, looking down the list of things google comes up with are a mixed bag of pre and post stroke things, the post stroke stuff is a bunch of links to either the trust website or to this blog, which now feels like the only evidence of who I actually am – there's even a link to a specific blog post that I wrote in March 2008 (post 21) about a party some friends put on to raise money for me. Both the party and reading that post made me smile and made me think I must have done a few things right despite not gaining entry to the sh*troom. Actually, now I think about it, I rely on my close friends to keep telling me how sh*t I am which they frequently do! My second favourite quote from 'The thick of it' is the line with which Ollie (played by Chris Addison who's stand up show I'm going to see in a few weeks) dumps his girlfriend with the following blisteringly harsh line 'goodbye, it is over you self-serving, Krypto-fascist, horse-loving, weekend at daddies, posh, vacuous nothing' Ouch! Armando Ianucci knows his comedy writing! That's enough of that, I just want to finish this post by thanking people who still bother with me, I can't possibly convey what it feels like to be forgotten – luckily, whenever I start to feel like this someone emails me and makes a plan to come and see me. On Friday it was the turn of my university housemate, Alex and her 8 week old daughter Anna.
I wish I could look normal in photos. Here's a picture I can't resist putting up of my neighbours gorgeous cat 'fat' Frank and my cat Pickle in my bedroom. Frank treats my house as a thoroughfare. I reckon he'd win many a largest cat contest if such a thing existed! He makes up for his cat fatness by being lovely. Even though I am slightly embarrassed by my loneliness and my feline reliance they provide me with enough happiness and companionship to lessen the derision I see my life with but life could be so much better, my search for someone special continues and I don't plan giving up anytime soon. Again, I've lost count of the number of people who have said to me 'just stop looking and let it happen'. I hate that happy clappy hippy crap, it's as nonsensical as believing in God or saying 'everything happens for a reason',I haven't found one good reason for this happening to me yet. Nothing ever happens to the homebound wheelchair user, I have to make things happen and I have no energy. Clubs,pubs and parties are a thing of the past. It's up to me to meet new people either through my existing friends which is unlikely because my existing friends don't want to treat me like a charity case or patronise me so I compete with fully able people in the internet jungle and it's not easy. I'm sorry if this sounds a bit angry, if it's any consolation it's anger at myself.

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