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23 Mar 2010
I hope this is not online Hari Kiri
If you're expecting a fun and lighthearted post then might I suggest any other website. With this condition I think I don't really have good days and bad days and reading it back now I sound a bit 'tired and emotional, maybe what I should rename this blog to? but this is definitely not a good day. Filthy cold+Broken wheelchair arm making steering worse than usual+imminent walking session
= difficult day. My interpretation of the world is deeply Freudian (as is my understanding) although thankfully it doesn't involve my mother (I'm not a weirdo), but the happiest times of my life have invariably involved giving/receiving affection from other people and the old cliché about men and one tracked minds might have a grain of truth, but that's a small part of this (seriously) but finding a significant other is my #1 priority. When I was happy it was because I never had to ask for someone to care about me or worry abou scary things like 'who makes the first move' and how? The nicest things people could ever do for you were the things that people didn't have to do: Nursing staff checking you had enough blankets to keep warm at 4am; therapists who noticed when I was upset and talked to me, friends who hadn't seen me for ages turning up to see me unexpectedly, people emailing me to tell me their news, people cancelling things to come and see me, events that I take friends to that they enjoy. Even though I have just had a wonderfully attended birthday, I can't think of the last time I felt good. Notwithstanding the amazing Omelette Mariusz (my housemate/carer) cooked me on Saturday morning. I guess my point is I can't live life through my tastebuds when I can't exercise properly, I risk becoming a fat b*stard again although drinking good red wine is another matter. I want to be in love again. I want to be comfortable with someone. I want to share everything I have with someone. I want to laugh with someone about something no-one else would laugh about. I want to hug someone like it's the only thing in the world that matters. I don't want to feel grim anymore. I'm convinced this can only be achieved by finding the right girl. This'll probably scare people away and being this honest is probably 'online suicide' because I'll be 'damaged goods' or not the kind of 'fun-loving, happy, optimistic' sort that anyone wants. Life is a game of chance where the odds are not good, not an optimistic thing to say, but a realistic one.
Indeed, here is an extract from an email I wrote on one of those bloody dating websites -I have met some really nice people but I still feel as alone as a wild animal in London Zoo. Here's the extract:
To be clear, I'm not looking for a carer, just someone who cares about me who I can fall for,
someone I could have a relationship with and be a best friend too who takes my breath away when I look at her, who might be open to the idea of living here (it's quite grown up greenbelt suburban commutersville, hardly Party central)
I'm sure this sounds f*cking awful but I don't know what else to say. I can't be direct in person because I don't have the confidence in myself anymore, but not being direct doesn't get me a conclusive answer! I feel that I'm losing my remaining dignity and doing that won't help anyone but I'm hoping this will provide some insight into what the biggest issues on my irrelevant plate are, thanks for not surfing away from this self-indulgent sh*te to another webpage that lets you compare the drying speeds of various types of paint!