I have just had the most godawful row with my dad after I interpreted an email he sent to me as an itemised bill for the suffering him and mum have had to deal with as a result of my stroke. The email made me feel so angry that I even said 'and by the way f*ck you' when I signed off. Apparently I got the wrong end of the stick and might have overreacted (me, surely not?), but as it helps a bit with the context of the rest of the post. Imagine (if you will) how you would feel if someone who was supposed to love you presented you with a bill for their time and travel. It was as bad as I've felt and after 4 and a half years of feeling terrible that's pretty bad – I thought things were supposed to improve.
I had a good go at writing this on Monday but maybe a monday morning was not a good time to discuss the most emotive of subjects, I then had a go at re-writing it on Tuesday but when I had some free time my mum showed up and anyone who's met her will know I can kiss goodbye to doing anything I want to do when she's here. I wasn't going to include these next two frankly sexist bits they have been making me giggle a little bit but f*ck it I'm going too. Maybe their inclusion on a post about love speaks volumes about why I'm finding it so elusive. I don't know – I do care but I don't really. Firstly, I caught comedian John Bishop on Live at the Apollo on TV the other night. He started off by telling a story about how he had recently bought a car. A diesel car and on it's maiden voyage he filled up and accidentally put petrol in it. He knew he'd done it and he said 'putting petrol in a diesel car is like pouring gin into a woman', it appears to be fine but you know sooner or later that she'll breakdown. Well it was funny when he said it plus there's something about his scouse accent, in fact THE scouse accent that you can't help feeling he's come down from Liverpool so he can case the carpark! The other slightly sexist thing was this great line uttered by Hollywood legend and lothario Jack Nicholson in 'As Good As It Gets' . In it he plays an OCD reclusive writer of Romantic trash but he is apparently the bestselling author in his field. In it a breathless female fan invades his personal space and blurts 'how do you get women so well' Jack has the briefest of thinks and says ' 'I think of a man and take away reason and accountability' – I don't care what anyone says, that's good scriptwriting! I only do bring up love as a topic because it's what I've been dreaming about over the weekend and as I seldom dream these days, I tend to take notice. Love, to me, is about giving yourself to another person. It's about forgoing your plans because it feels better being with that person. Love operates on a sliding scale. To Me the top rung will always be reserved for your partner, your other half – the person that you feel completes you and you complete them. Dizzying Clichés aside, we can (I think) only really be happy if you feel this highest rung is fulfilled, the other rungs, go in this order and are imperceptibly close – family, then friends.It's a pretty small ladder frankly Your family are the rock-solid reliable people who are there when the going is tough and they don't ever make you feel guilty about taking up their time. Having this stroke is a case in point. It has been my mum and dad and brother, who have tirelessly helped me through this and in their 70s, it hasn't always been a picnic for my parents (yeah, they do pretty well). Having a son who was independent and good at most things he put his mind to one minute, the next a vegetable with a 1% survival chance and a life ahead filled with uncertainty. It's small wonder the relationship gets strained. Now friends are incredibly important, without friends and family life over the last 4 and a half years would have been impossible. I have spread my slender resources on trying to improve the quality of my life and literally everything else is invested in love, be it from trying to find a girlriend, meeting new friends, and making sure my existing friends and my family know how important they are. If I didn't care me and Dad would have just let this mornings incident go, it is precisely because of how much I care that I write this and spend far too much time sifting seeds on dating websites
If these different types of love were transmutable I'd be fine (one psychologist even suggested to me that the love you get from a partner wasn't that important when I consider how amazing my friends and family have been... Bullsh*t, I know how important they have been but I still feel this terrible emptiness..... I know I'm ready to give myself up for someone but the right person remains elusive. I had quite a lot to offer a few years ago. Now the only thing I can offer is more material and of considerably less value (In my opinion). I'm just not in the kind of situation where someone might find what I'm offering alluring at face value plus I'm sure my standards are too high, an unfortunate biproduct of having a decent life before. I do apologise if this is getting less and less readable. Life seems to be getting harder and harder at the moment. Write to me,come and see and laugh with/at me while it's still summer, being out of London does have some benefits, talking to and laughing with people has always cheered me up.