18 Aug 2010

Post 229: Boiling over slightly

One of my favourite lines from brilliant sitcom Peep Show is when Jeremy (the selfish one) says to Mark 'I'm bored, I'm dangerously bored, I almost did what Michael Hutchence and that MP did the other day' he then mimes the rest. This doesn't mean I'm about to erotically auto asphyxiate myself ( I couldn't if I tried) plus I think it's probably one of the more undignified ways to go – imagine the whispering it would create! But I can relate to being dangerously bored. It sounds like a contradiction in terms but let me assure you it's very real. I'm sure I wrote somewhere how work exists not just for us to earn money but so we can be independent but more importantly to give our lives structure and meaning. I wish I could find it in myself to write creatively like this all day but I just can't because typing is slow and tiring and I'm not that creative. No, I'm dangerously bored!
Up until recently I would have been a poster-child for 'the big society', basically, friends rallying around me, raising money off people who'd barely heard of me to go into this trust to help pay for my continuing therapy and improve the quality of my life, while people volunteered to come and see me or take me to things. I'm so grateful for all this but I'd be lying if I thought more than a handful still gave a toss. I need to be less co-dependent but ultimately it is still other people I am dependent on. So you might think my decision to basically give up internet dating a strange one but enough is enough. I felt like I was applying and re-applying for a job I was woefully under qualified for and every competitor was the bosses son. Putting I was a wheelchair bound stroke survivor plus this blurb:
“Intelligent, articulate joker/cheeky b*stard survived an almost fatal stroke in 2005, looking for a female best friend to spend the rest of time loving and laughing. Convalescence is dull on my own. I've got a nice house and a reasonable income, I just need someone special to share it with, someone who doesn't think they're selling themselves short by going out with a disabled guy.(this appears to be a common theme)
If you drive it'll help! Same, if you live near-ish. I'm not a f*ckwit or a nonce but the wall of silence I get is enough to persuade me to virtually forget the online dating game because a stroke survivor like me won't be given a chance. I refuse to believe that nothing I've ever done in my life counts for anything. And what's yellow and dangerous? A banana with a machine gun.”

yielded one of three outcomes:
1.Nothing – this describes the vast majority of my experience internet dating, like approaching a girl in a bar only for her to notice you and walk off and ignore you
2.A reply thanking me for my honesty – there must be some awful people in the world who feel they have to lie to get anywhere. f*ckers. Grrrr. Then a cursory reason why it's not going to happen including my personal favourite
3.I'm too selfish for it to ever work
My conclusion after two years of this sh*t: Give up. People tell me not to - 'she's out there' 'stop trying to look, just let it happen' I can't just bump into people, I can't leave the house! I hope this in some way helping to describe my pain. I'm sure I've got something to offer, there just aren't any takers and writing this sure won't do me any favours. There goes my dignity, not that that seems to mean much these days. And as for the 'Big Society' its fundamental flaw is that people will do only so much for others until they ask themselves 'what's in this for me? Because people only seem to care about themselves. If you think I'm being a bit nihilistic then swivel! Nothing to see here!

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