19 Sep 2010

Post 241: A prisoners dilemma

This probably isn't going to be the happiest post because it's been a sh*t week characterised by sod all happening, mercifully it's likely to be a short post because the cupboard is bare, I've got nothing. These are definitely the hardest weeks because I just can't do boredom or long periods of alone time. I'm no creative genius (no sh*t) so I can't just sit and write. It just proves to me that we are reactionary beings, in need of input to get anything out of life, and unfortunately the more enquiring our mind is the more complex we need this input to be to avoid boredom. This is why watching TV during the day won't do. Listening to the radio's sh*t and all. Anything that has an outside chance of alluding to world news is too bloody depressing, so in truth I'm only able to cope when I have someone else to interact with, someone who realises that I'm in this weird dichotomy, that the only thing I want to do is talk to and see other people but I find talking and seeing exhausting. It's like going to events, it's gotta be done but it makes me so tired I feel like crying. Sometimes I ask myself the question, is it even worth it? 9 times out of 10 the answer is yes. When the answer is no, I haven't got the guts to do anything about it, I remember my friends and family, I try and remember why anyone gives a damn about me. I look at myself and struggle to see what anyone would like. I hope that even as a disabled person I have more than average to offer people. Conversation, laughter, love, warmth, comfort, safety, security. Well this is what I like to believe and some kind people back me up on this, the question I ask myself is: Am I out of order to get down like this? And there are some people who tell me off and make me feel guilty for being like this. I want these people to understand there's nothing I can do about this. I feel like a prisoner who has been wrongly imprisoned and I'm doing what I can to get released.
It hasn't all been doom and gloom this week, it was temporarily lifted onThursday evening when Rachel came to drink wine with me and we noted that women have it tough because they have to spend so much time and money on their bloody hair!

1 comment:

Simon said...

You need to start seeing a fully qualified Shrink on a regular basis to help you come to terms with how you feel. That's my 2 cents.



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