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11 Oct 2010

Post 246: Ambushed

Being told by anyone that you're not living your life right is a bitter pill to swallow especially when like me, you thought in the circumstances you were doing approximately the right things. Apparently I'm not. Yesterday, a group of 5 told me that if I continued as I was, I'd end up friendless and penniless in a care home or worse. To me this is a fate worse than death because the thing I've always valued above everything else is independence or what I have left of it. I'm a stubborn git, and even though I crave company, I can't bear to not be able to do things myself, which has made life such a f*cking nightmare since my stroke. One of the things I got in trouble for yesterday was 'pandering' to my depression and tiredness by sometimes not being 100% there when people kindly come to see me. Since I can barely think of one thing at once, it's small wonder I sometimes don't always seem 100% there, sometimes I'm thinking about an email I was just in the middle of writing! Secondly, I have often used my depression and tiredness as 'excuses' not to commit to physical therapy.
Apparently, what I have been most scared of is happening, people can't be bothered with me anymore because I am too miserable and negative. All I can say is that I'm trying everything I can to be the fun, interesting,positive, energetic person I used to be, who had plenty of friends and made people laugh – it's just not that easy these days, even if I couldn't walk if I didn't feel this exhausted I'd be able to face the world. If only some pretty girl took me on as a project, I reckon half the battle would be won. The other half is sadly money. Since my stroke my Dad (bless him) has been my power of attorney and so has had sight of everything I've spent money on and let's just say I might have overspent a couple of times. I'm definitely the type who deals with stress by spending, but it's always been my money , before my stroke, I'm ashamed to admit my folks baled me out a few times and since my stroke I have fortuitously ended up financially ok thanks to an amazing disability pension, support from friends who through The Dom Pardey trust have paid for my amazing wheelchair and most of my therapy, so a lot of yesterdays b*llocking was telling me that I need to be more grateful for what I've ended up with, which I constantly am but that the payback for all this luck and generosity is that I try and overcome feeling like sh*t and get better at getting better. I need your help.
Buying tickets for shows is never the answer. Even though it gives my life a purpose it is not a sustainable pursuit and might even deter people from donating to the trust – let me just assure people, every penny donated to the trust gets pored over by the trustees and is 100% committed to my rehab, which believe me is anything but fun, it's much more important!
This however wouldn't be my blog if I didn't have some gig or other to Yack about so after yesterday's b*llocking I was taken to the Dome to see 80s synthesiser frog Jean Michel Jarre by lovely couple Tim and Alex Grant. Seeing as I met these two clubbing they were appreciators of the trancey like music although they whole heartedly agreed with the comment 'we saw and heard similar/better things by a guy called k90 10 years ago. But JMJ has been milking this for 30 years. Bumping into clubbing mates of yesteryear was also a nice surprise, intrepid Kiwis, the improbably named Daegal Brain and Karl Alexander, f*cking legends!

1 comment:

Susan Pinkerton said...

Giving up on your recovery was no longer an option and it couldn't continue. Time to move forward, do the daily rehab that will improve your quality of life, and work on becoming the person you want to be. And we're behind you all the way. It's never going to be easy, but it will get easier with time.

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