28 Oct 2010

Post 250:Some Thanks, some non thanks and hopefully change ahead

Since my stroke I have always held the theory that my fatigue would
have to be tackled with medication and that any underlying depression
would have to be tackled by meeting the right girl and achieving happiness.
Now, I never thought the former would ever subjugate the latter but
that is what has happened. Trust me when I say that people find tired people
tiresome! That’s just the way of the world it seems, and that has been why I have
been racked with Self Doubt since having this bloody stroke. I am
convinced I must be the most tiresome bloke in the world. People I
have met and have become friends with since my stroke are just wonderful
people to have given me a chance, anyone in this category, words
cannot express my gratitude., you guys have seen something in me that
I would like to appreciate, but can’t. Next, myexisting friends and
family, who have stuck with me through this despite the fact that this
has virtually taken away everything that is me.
Anyone else who
has ignored or turned their back on me can f*ck off, it is because of you that I have thought I'm now worthless. I have often been
told ‘You sound like the angriest man in the world’, and that is
because I often have been. I used to not care what other people thought, I am now racked with worry about what I think they think. I now understand why every opposition
politician in the world goes into an election with the slogan ‘change’. That is what life for me lacks now – every bloody morning waking up and feeling that you haven't slept, I'm pretty sure that dealing with this will make me a different and BETTER person which is why the doctors appointment I had on Tuesday evening might make all the difference. Remember a few posts ago, I talked about anti-seizure medication maybe being useful -well, I got referred to this neurologist that bizarrely I knew because when I'd played in the Oxford golf team, he'd been in the Cambridge golf team. He is probably in his early forties now and he had apparently been one of the doctors who had looked after me back in 2005/early 2006 when I'd first had the stroke (I was in a coma), a bizarre coincidence that he happened to be the neurologist of some random bloke I bump into at a comedy event. Anyway, the long and the short is that his name is Omar Malik and him knowing me got me an appointment in one day! When we went to see him he said some encouraging things and has prescribed me some medication that has had some encouraging results, At times like these I remember how giddy I got when I was prescribed Ritalin in summer 2009 and that turned out to be a disaster so fingers crossed that the drug, Keppra does something useful. If it makes a dent in the fatigue it will change everything. I don't want to get my hopes up when disappointment is the order of the day. That said, my walking practice continues, setting another record time for 1 lap of my garden, I'm sure helped by my 'a little too shiny' Asics trainers which arrived this morning recommended by Jose, my personal trainer (he says so I can look at least as chavvy as him) although I suspect he wants me to help direct local air traffic. That aside, I've knocked ~15 secs off my quickest fast time to 1:38, I think between me and Ian we both agree that anything under 2 minutes is a sign that I'm putting in the effort. I'm just a little sad it's taken such a bizarre coincidence to get things happening, rather than it be the way the system works. I'll keep you updated.


Soosansweet said...

My heart goes out to you Dom. You have gone through so much, but you are moving forward and I'm proud of you for that. My son, Shane had a major stroke at 37. He is still unable to speak, read or write. What he must be going through, I've not a clue. But you know and you are my inspiration and my link to him.

You are right about the people that have not stood by you and have forgotten. They are human and most humans have a problem being around a disabled person. They are uncomfortable, having no clue how uncomfortable you must be. You are the icon, though. You will go far with your new life that you have begun. I wish you lots of luck and hope someday, Shane will be able to e-mail you.

Have a wonderful day and keep stroking forward...don't ever give up. Soosansweet

Dom P said...

Thanks for that - it makes writing this worthwhile



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