For a slight change today I'm an angry man because I feel let down. I have often been told that this blog makes me sound like a very angry person, which is probably a little true, but is almost always anger directed at myself because stroke doesn't make you look obviously injured or ill apart from the wheelchair, but I still feel awful, can't walk or get on with my life like a normal person, hence why I am fuming at myself, I also slept appallingly last night (thursday) because one of the pillars of how I live my life feels like it has come crashing down on me because of what someone I thought was a friend and thought highly of has said.
This has threatened my way of life because aside from focusing on keeping myself physically fit and trying to keep my friends and family from drifting away, the 3rd most important and equally as time consuming and exhausting thing as training and keeping up with friends and family is meeting new people and looking for a girlfriend. The only way I can try and do this is through dating websites, facebook and email and requires both parties to have some faith in human decency and it seems to be in short supply. Literally this was working ok (but very slowly) and I would say most of the new people I've met since my stroke have been lovely until one of them basically implied that 'I must have deserved my stroke because 'what goes around comes around' That's right, let it sink in. Maybe I should just let that go? Oh, I can't. Sorry. Someone saying that is unforgivable. I know she's had to face and deal with some horrific things in her life. I would never imply she deserved them, NEVER, because that would be just the nastiest thing anyone could think, let alone say. Anyway, this has undermined my faith in humanity a bit and undermined one of the major things I do with my life plus some faith I had in my innate judge of character. There's no way I'd directly name her as that wouldn't be fair so as always for things like this and I'm sure she's saying 'who cares what he thinks'. Not for the first time since this stroke have I just felt like shouting:
'Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' What a shame! I feel wretched. '
who briefly had learnt to speak again but somehow with a swedish accent (to start with), the combination of all these trains of thought led to the best kind of uncontrollable laughter, like when someone farts loudly in church.
Sadly back to the serious sh*t - I used to think 'just words' were 'just words' – noone woke up with leprosy after a row, I guess, well hope noone ever wakes up with Leprosy or having had a stroke like mine but words can be pretty horrible things. As you were! Thanks for getting this far! It's now Sunday and I've just come back from Sunday roast with some friends – first they acknowledged how meeting new people the way I have to does place quite an abnormal burden of trust on both sides but that I'm much better off not knowing the person who thought I must have deserved the stroke. Yet another argument for why belief in some sort of divine 'Karma' is not just rubbish. It can be positively evil.