22 Jan 2012

Post 326: A time to batten down the hatches

Does anyone read this anymore? I'm not even sure I even would because objectively I'd think that the writer is a bit of a miserable f*cker. I know I am and one of my main objectives is to one day snap out of this. No-one likes a moaner and no-one really gives a toss about one even if said moaner has got a half decent reason, but it's mitigated slightly as long as said moaner makes things a little bit funny or interesting. Well, it's hard to do either when you feel like you're 100 years older than you actually are. I need other people so much, and moaning and attracting people to be friends are pretty much mutually exclusive and although my sense of humour is mostly helpful it really sometimes isn't. Overly sensitive people can sh*t off for starters. The irony here is that I am a bit sensitive now, and I sometimes upset myself. Luckily, I shake this off by realising what I say can often be a pile of Elephant dung
and I should care about it as much as other people clearly don't! So, what has been happening this week that I could tell you that may pique the January bubble of indifference? My view of humanity has been dragged in different directions recently. My misanthropic view that we're all a bunch of shysters has been given weight by the fact my carers have started to behave like they've got to the end of a job, ie they've started doing the bare minimum, this is why Bianca (my weekend housekeeper) and I can't wait for Gary and Gwen to start. At it's most basic level it is showing human nature at it's worst. People would rather be lazy If there are no consequences so rather than be decent human beings, they're not, they're being dicks and sleeping all day making life tricky for me. This upsets me as it reflects badly on what I'm like to live with. I can understand if they were working for a big company, but this is my life they're making worse – I feel a bit like I've become someone to take advantage of.
I'm not that bloke. Thankfully there is another side to this coin. Gary and Gwen can't actually move in till mid-February, so I was a bit terrified of what I was going to do but I have been saved. Jose, my trainer, is going to do Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings and my new local friend Isabel has offered to do my other weekday mornings and cook my weekday evening meals, she's also asked a mate of hers to do a couple of hours cleaning and laundry a week. She's just one of these people who lives to help people. I am lucky and privileged to have met her. Would that there were more people like that in this world. I have been fortunate to have met a few and as you can no doubt tell I can't say enough good things about them. They know who they are. My other two main objectives have had to run in parallel to this over dramatic and stressful sh*t. These are of course: 1.Physical therapy, or 'torture' 2.Avoiding boredom On the first, even though almost all the evidence suggests that improvement is unlikely and that I would be foolish to expect to recover use of my left arm or the ability to walk independently or to feel normal I will never fully close the door because I don't deserve to be like this, I work too hard. To this end a neurophysio, whose practice use that electrical stimulation thingamy that I was thinking of trying to get came and assessed me on Thursday. We discussed options, constraints and objectives, and hopefully he's going to send me a written report. The good thing was he wasn't at all a salesman, and he wasn't trying to hawk me expensive neurophysiotherapy. Instead he was pretty conclusively able to tell me that the electrical stimulation product was not the right thing for me, and he has told me what he'd do. Basically, that's the type of advice I'll listen to. Doubtless it will recommend more training, something that terrifies me because I can't afford it physically, mentally or financially. Fully fit people can barely manage to make it to the gym twice a week – the idea of doing more than my 3 training sessions with the prospect of it making no difference makes the prospect of introducing myself to the tender mercies of beachy head style rehabilitation. Is it wrong to feel this hopeless? Going to see Cirque de Soleil last night didn't help. My sister (over from the States on business)
took us to see Totem
last night at the Albert Hall and as much as comparing myself to Circus Freaks is probably a bit silly, these people are nonetheless humans, everybody including the women had ridiculous six packs, and although I have no desire to balance standing on my hands on a 50 foot pole which is being balanced on somebodies chin, I do have a strong desire to be able to balance on my feet independently. Cirque de Dom if you will. I can just about do ten sit-ups, these freaks look like they'd just be breaking sweat around the million mark. I've been to Cirque most years since I was released from hospital and the evening is made or broken by a couple of things: 1.How close to the stage I am (so I can actually see what's happening) 2.How much the people I have gone with enjoyed it This time we were up in the circle. I would normally post a picture but the Albert Hall door robot expressly forbid this before the performance on the grounds of 'copyright'. As far as I'm concerned for £60 a ticket if we want to take photo's he should offer to do it for us and get me a complimentary drink into the bargain! As it was my mother and my sister
were impressed, and my dad and I were quietly understated in our appreciation highlighting a difference to me in how Men and Women react to these things. Women gasp whilst Men think 'show off' while also thinking ' wouldn't it be funny if he smacked himself in the balls doing this' I went to a thing called Varekai at the Albert Hall a couple of years ago and for a Cirque de soleil show it ticked the right boxes. For a start we were close and my companions for the evening, my neighbour Tracey and local mate Sacha loved it.
I actually went to Totem at the Albert Hall last year so my first thought was 'cheeky bastards, they're milking this a bit', my second thought was a message from my mate Steve who was over from Melbourne last January and I'd offered him and his wife first dibs on the tickets. His reply was poetic and further emphasised the difference between men and women (Gnomes is his wife)
LOL, I went once with Gnomes to one of the C.d.S. shows and ranted about how shite I thought it was, but she loves it! If you fancy it then I'll gladly 'take one for the team' coz I know Gnomes'll love it, or we just go to something on at another venue? Brilliant, Anyway, what made the evening was getting to see my sister! Despite being a miserable f*cker I am so lucky to have mates who take me out. It was the Dabbous family
on Saturday who took it upon themselves to take a break from the lack of sleep that seven month old Louis is giving them to take me out for lunch, my anecdote store is feeling a little depleted. Theirs is the sort of life I wished I had. 2 lovely kids and a pretty solid outlook. Bit late for that for me. My other attempt at avoiding the sort of demoralisation you feel at seeing a slightly overweight lady in a Gym has been listening to Game of Thrones on audiobook. The sheer length of it makes me feel like I've seen a size 18 lady in size 8 leggings sweating like a whore in church on a bike that's going nowhere[a Jimmy Carr joke I couldn't resist crowbarring in because it made me laugh]. Anyway, Game of Thrones is book 1 of a fantasy epic 'a Song of Ice and Fire'.
Just to give you an idea of the scale of this thing is it is over 5 books,
each book handily split into 3 8-hour audio chunks. I am nearing the end of book 2 but finding the time and energy has been a nightmare, luckily book 1 was made into a ten part drama by HBO. I was totally addicted to the series and I can see how people turn into Trekkie type nerds and losers – the Wikepedia site is Encyclopaedic! I almost feel like a bit of a gimp having been on there myself. Anyway, what can I say apart from reading simultaneously and ahead in a thing like this is a massive advantage. Series 2 will be unbelievable. It is basically 'the Soprano's' set in middle earth but the gritiness (the swearing,violence and aggression) of it is offset by the utter insanity of life in medieval times and some of the supernatural intrigue ie Dragons, White walkers (murderous creatures that live in the ice and can only be destroyed by fire), Wildlings etc. Are you interested yet? It doesn't take much with me. Another serious piece of advice, never get heavily invested in something that hasn't had several seasons, you end up tearing your hair out waiting for the next one. I'm fed up with waiting, seeing as I've waited 7 years to get better and NOTHING.


ShutUpStevie said...

Yep, still reading it. Glad to see you're still recycling my old comments as I rarely say anything interesting these days ;-)

I used to be right into the whole fantasy genre some years back so I can see the attraction mate.

Still happy to dispose of any badly behaved carers next time I'm around.

Your sister is hot.

Stevie out.

oc1dean said...

Any blog by a survivor is worth reading. Considering the millions out there we should overwhelm all the blogging sites and maybe the medical establishment will do something about helping us.

Bad Girl on Tour said...

I'm reading it, and I don't even know you! Very funny and insightful! X

Dom P said...

bad girl on tour -I just read a bit of your blog and commented without realising it was written four years ago! Doh! I hope you're back in one piece

nurul iman said...

Thank you very Steady info ... hopefully more successful.
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