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12 Feb 2012

Post 331: Oh, what a lovely time of year!

I used not to worry about getting to or from things, sadly an unhelpful attitude that seems to have carried over which is totally the wrong thing to do when getting anywhere is a supreme challenge. There have been two things this week I haven't been able to get to and it just eats me up. These things happen, one of the friends has got a hideous sounding dose of the flu and the other couldn't swing getting out of his shift at his job, that these people even considered taking me in the first place is so kind, this doesn't detract from the fact sitting at home alone on a Friday and Saturday is not great, Having caught the last episode of 'Birdsong' the other night it feels like sitting alone in a shellhole in no mans land,
obviously nothing like that but a similar sort of emotion. I'm probably accentuating the melodrama there. It's a profound feeling of loneliness, the type that makes you want to see anyone who you can laugh with. That's what people do isn't it? Well that was what I was used to. That's why I make all the effort I can with my existing friends and I try ever so hard to meet new people, people who's first and subsequent reaction to my written words isn't ambivalence, suspicion or hostility and believe me, there's plenty of that out there. Gary and Gwen (my new housekeepers) have just popped in and I can't wait till they move in when I won't have to worry about silly little things, like the house staying clean, the cats being fed, being stolen from, basically not being taken advantage of. Not having to worry about this is a return to dignity, well at least some dignity. I don't want this to turn into a f*cking moan. If I moan, it has to be about 'real' things that actually affect me rather than waste time getting hot and bothered by ideological, theoretical or esoteric arguments, I'm no academic or campaigner, I'm just a verbose, opinionated 34 year old that is only unkind to ignorance, stupidity or to people who are dicks. I like to think I am fair, many probably beg to differ and think it is me who is the dick and there have been (obviously rare) occasions when this is true (yup, must be true). I don't like to see anyone upset or in pain unless they deserve it, which sadly can't be said to apply to everyone. Humans are lonely when they're on their own – I think this is a fact – and the numerous people who've ever said 'I'm perfectly happy alone' are lying which brings me neatly on to my annual grimace at the impending arrival of Valentines day, or that damn Valentines day and that's me putting it mildly. The annual disappointment is set for Tuesday and I'm bracing myself against the cold actually. Very little actually reminds me of how different life is now compared to how it used to be. All the gorgeous girls I loved are now happily married – some have had children and most probably don't give me a second thought (and rightly so). I may be the same guy mentally but where it seems to matter is physically and I can't just chalk this down to 'getting old'. This is like aging 100 years in a matter of seconds but without any of the 'gravitas' you get with age. I'm not some wizened old fart whose eccentricities are quite entertaining who like comic Greg Davies'
dad 'just doesn't give a sh*t anymore', au contraire I give much more of a sh*t' because I need people to be moved enough to help me, the dream from here on in is to meet someone who sees the good in me, who causes me to smile, who makes life worth living, who makes me believe it's worth getting out of bed in the morning, who isn't repulsed by me, who I'm attracted to. Is that too much? I don't want to pretend it'll be easy. After my usual rant about how chod life is, at least some folk still make the trip to come and see me. This week it was University mates Tristan and Sara,
who from memory saw their Chemistry degrees through (I only managed a year before changing to Politics, Philosophy and economics), we really are unmistakeably Chemists.

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