14 Mar 2012

Post 337: Things only 'look' better

Uh-oh, writing midweek can't be good – I think the arrival of spring has helped but being realistic, it's only f*cking weather! It's like throwing a pot of paint on the Forth Bridge

in the grand scheme of things. I have been trying my best to try and sort out 'little victories' or medium to long-term projects but if I face facts, I still feel like sh*t and life is barely worthwhile – life is hard, but should it be this hard? I appreciate these sound like the words of a defeated pessimist. These, I know, are two of the least attractive qualities you can have in this 'positive,optimistic' brave new world

that we're told we should be living in but as hard as I make a go of being a 'going concern' the more life seems to have ways of sh*tting on me. Meeting new people is high up the list and the more I try to emphasize my good points (I used to have some apparently) the more I realize that most new people treat a disabled person like a curiosity, someone to meet, then someone to forget (not everyone) and given how hard I try it just eats me up, which is not to say I am devaluing my existing mates who I am always over the moon to see, there's no but – I am so looking forward to seeing everyone in a couple of weeks at my 35th (f*cking hell, how did that happen?) - Oh well, I almost died when I was 28! I have rather convinced myself that I will be happier if I find love again and as this blog attests, that still remains elusive. I can no longer use the alpha male method of meeting girls, you know, going to bars, pubs and clubs. I'm no biologist but that was probably the evolutionary equivalent of a bunch of dogs sniffing each others arses. Instead I am forced to meet people through facebook or online dating, and because my typing is a bit sh*t I have a pre-written message which I admit is not ideal, as my limited success is evidence of. I like to get feedback on it because I'm not confident enough to remotely think it's any good:

I'm sorry if this is a bit much. I'm afraid I'm only interested if you're really nearby ( I live in Oxshott, nr Epsom) and can drive, you have also to be prepared to make some effort. If you're put off by this, we'll never work. It breaks my heart to have to start like this... I'm sure a lot of this is in my profile but knowing what people read on these sites is anyone's guess, my situation is rather unusual and all of this is quite important (I think). I've read bits of your profile and looked at your picture and you look really nice so I might as well get this out in the open straight away, I'm currently disabled but I am a hopeless Romantic. I just survived a stroke in Christmas 2005 caused by a blood vessel weakness I was born with but didn't know about until it was too late and ruined Christmas and I woke up three weeks later in January 2006, since then I've had to use a wheelchair. When I look at my situation totally objectively and dispassionately, I realise I have been fortunate because I have been left with more than most, but I want to share it with someone, my major asset is my memories and hopefully some intelligence (I did go to Oxford but I'm not too much of a posh twat), I have my past life (essentially who I am) - which I can try and sell myself with, many wouldn't even have this, two more of these assets are materialistic, a mortgage free 4 bedroom house in Oxshott (apparently a des res in London commutersville with excellent local schools(having kids is something I want to do), christ, apparently Oxshott is the best place to live in the country!) - I used to have my own place in town and complete independence, Now, at least I have a decent stable pension, hardly riches but enough for two people to live on and spend on those we care about, the unmaterialistic (more important ) things are a big group of mates and a fantastic extended family, both are a huge support and source of inspiration for my future and my day to day plans. I have (I think) somehow retained my dignity and sense of humour, some have even said this has added another dimension to it, it has always been pretty dark and tended towards the sarcastic and nihilistic ie, the world can be pretty sh*te (believe me it can), you get out of it, what you put in, this is probably one of the only times I will put up with clichés . Life owes you nothing, and there are times these days when I feel like making a tremendous effort even though I am exhausted most of the time(I always look for gigs and comedy shows that friends can drive me to), I will always try and be one of life's organisers but there are always those days when I feel utterly exhausted and need someone to metaphorically inflate me so I can make the most of what I have. Life can be tough but I soldier on. I guess it's because deep down I know it should feel so much better than this. In the words of deity and hero of mine Bill Bailey parodying Barack Obama 'It is the 'soul-crushing inevitability of hope' – this is the type of thing that makes me laugh.
The net result of all this is I'm looking for the right girl to share everything with, who has the right 'can do' attitude, to work as a team. I am convinced this can lead to a comfortable, happy, fulfilling future for us both. As much as I am semi-independent now, I need someone who can drive, lives nearby,isn't bossy and consumed by their career and is ok with being with me in the evenings. My idea of a good night in is lying curled up on the sofa with someone, sharing an amazing bottle of Malbec laughing like hell at some sort of comedy on the box. I like to wine and dine people and appreciate red wine. I'll probably ask you to drive me to a show. Someone who is happy in my company who I miss when they're not here who loves cuddling and cats. It is the dream to meet someone who I can wine and dine in return for you giving me your company. In the long run I am looking for a lover who will be my best friend. I hope to be a writer in future. My blog will tell you about what I get up to.
PS Bear in mind I'm no Russian Oligarch. This is me giving future happiness a shot. If you want to reply please use my direct email. Only selfless patient people who want something wonderful to develop need be interested. In the old days this would be a no brainer!
I am truly sorry if this is way off
I'm just a human and therefore fallible and you look lovely.
Dx It's d/o/m/p/a/r/d/e/y/(at)/g/m/a/i/l/(dot)/c/o/m

I'm no tacky old man, being alone is just dull.
If you've read this -thankyou, I want to be totally honest. Unfortunately I can't come and see you, you'll have to come and meet me here if you want. I hope this message and my blog persuade you I'm ok, talking on facebook too is really important. I hope you reply – if you do, use my direct email. I apologize this looks 'cut and pasted', I'd prefer to write you an individual email but it just isn't practical these days, if you reply we'll talk properly. Please do, it helps.

I have already figured out it's a little on the long side (double entendre NOT intended BOOM BOOM)
My thanks also go to my gorgeous cousin Julie and her dad (the infamous uncle Ian) and her lovely nine month old Barney.

I've met a lot of babies but he is especially cute,
(I'm glad he's too young to read)
and I'd also like to mention The Kaner (aka Charlie Kane for popping in yesterday and for bringing me some delicious Chilli con carne´.Next time I should hopefully have reports from the plethora of stand-up shows I'm taking in! I will hopefully be less miserable next time. Hopefully

1 comment:

nurul iman said...

Thank you very Steady info ... hopefully more successful.
Pengobatan Herbal Storke Berat



View My Stats