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2 Jul 2012

Post 350: Like Detective Columbo, there’s always another thing.



As if having a stroke isn’t enough, and I can guarantee it makes you feel pretty incapable, a least I’m not a blind 1980s American Sleuth. Being a bit ‘not easy’ is reason 1 for people to be pretty circumspect about me because people’s lives are hard enough I always imagine. Shit, just reading THIS, seems to be enough of a ‘waste’ of people’s precious time without having to worry about the prick who writes it but throw in another serious health issue, you might as well chuck in a f*cking coffin, this morning (Monday) felt like an all time low without being able to see the positive that things can only improve, I’d had another sleepless night and I had been terrified of throwing up(!) and it isn’t a case of just running to the loo, these days the consequences can be catastrophic, the only thing that cheers me up is thinking of the time in hospital when the girlfriend who abandoned me said ‘you’re so good natured about all this, I’d be a f*cking nightmare’. I hate to sound like the proverbial moaning type (I’ve been told I do and I hate moaning) but this is beyond a joke, most people when they get ill, recover slowly, only I seem condemned to live life like this forever and I can tell doctors till I’m blue in the face that this isn’t acceptable, they seem to think it’s ok to do nothing, to try nothing – all I want is something, ANYTHING, that’ll make me feel a bit different, but now I’m told I’ve basically got to struggle for the rest of this year as well as living with this f*cking stroke for the rest of my life because I’ve got to have my Gall Bladder removed. Any religious zealots I know are clearly believing that I was Stalin or Pol Pot or Phil Collins

in a previous life.
Oh, apparently Phil Collins is still alive!
So, this brings me on to the point of this post, a friend of mine recently told me that it’s reasonable to ‘not always have a positive outlook on life’ tick: ‘As long as you’re funny about it’ tenuous tick. This certainly isn’t me saying ‘I am funny’ this is me trying to say that ‘I have a sense of humour’ and I will have a good go at making people laugh about something before I wade into the more distressing aspects of how my life is in bits and how disappointing it is to have all your hopes and dreams shattered. Yeah, make a joke of that! Well, quite simply, you can’t. I’ve recently listened to a sort of ‘stand up comedy’ book by a comedian I admire because it seems a lot of our views coincide – he’s called Jon Richardson and I admired how quickly he could think on his feet as one of the team captains on 8 out of 10 cats, but now having listened to his book, I think I might hate him! The friend of mine that put me onto his book said it ‘just made her want to hug him’ well it ‘just makes me want to hit him’ because the book ‘it’s not me, it’s you’

seems to be about him having an ‘utter perfectionist’ personality or max strength OCD. I have never had either and always used to chuckle at that old interview cliché. ‘So, do you have any weaknesses?’ ‘Um, yes actually I’m a bit of a perfectionist’ ‘DICK, GET OUT’


Life is about imperfection and living with it. Well, if it was before, it certainly is now. It’s also about being utterly tolerant of other people’s shortcomings. I wish I could expect the best – but as a man who’s sick of waiting, I don’t need an excuse to be kept waiting even longer. One thing it did teach me was why it’s natural to be a bit negative. I am a fixer (not in the organised crime way) If I can identify a problem, I’m most of the way toward working out a solution rather than unhelpfully blathering ‘think positive, it’ll all be ok’. I’m not a fucking football Pundit. Bunch of simpletons. See how far ‘finking positive’ got us in Euro 2012. The only thing I agree with Jon Richardson about is when he does his perception of an English scumbag he always puts on a cockney accent. I suppose if there’s one thing I am a bit snobby about it’s when people don’t try and make the effort to speak properly. I don’t for a minute think we should sound like that silly old German bint ‘the queen’. Anyway, here’s a nice photo from my college reunion.

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