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8 Aug 2012

Post 358: I miss intercourse


But cheap innuendo, I’ll never miss, anything that makes us giggle or that snaps us out of the tedium that is surviving till the next interesting thing comes along. Is it really that simple? Yes, yes it is.
Over the course of the tedium that now doubles for my life, I have conversed with a few people over the interweb mainly because they have read this. Incredibly, it hasn’t put them off even though there’s quite a bit here that makes even me sigh. A few of these modern ‘pen-friends’ are stroke survivors and suffer in a bit more silence and dignity. I’m big on both but sometimes I do get a little carried away. Anyway, this week’s genuinely interesting topic has been inspired by one of these stroke suffering pen-friends. I think even though we both survived, we’re sufferers! It concerns reasons for living. A subject I’ve often wrestled with as it’s somewhat difficult to nail down and be certain about these days.
Anyway, she had said in an email that she wanted her partner of 20 years to be happy and since her stroke it was her strong feeling that he could not be happy, almost like she was holding him back and she was thinking of saying to him ‘ it’s OK to leave, her exact words in her email were ‘ It’s the one thing of integrity I can still do’ Woah, tough lady. Now since my stroke I have found living for myself pretty much impossible. I don’t get better. I just try and maintain a certain level of health so I can do the meagre things that make up my life and goodness is that tough enough. It’s like I am a 35 year old 90 year old. Ouch, I think that just about sums it up. Since it happened, I have been living for the sake of my parents (my family basically) and my friends, essentially, anyone who would be sadder if they found out tomorrow I was dead. The worst moment of my life was when my long-term girlfriend left me and said words to the affect I was now a burden that would essentially hold her back and ruin her life, she added that I had probably already ruined it going out with her during her twenties and not proposing, and now it was all a wast of HER life. She then helpfully added (when I was quite upset if you can even begin to imagine) the modern way to win an argument ‘It’s always about you’ – I was obviously in a strong comeback position, being in a hospital bed with no energy and hardly any voice. I just wished I’d died when I had had the stroke. I think this decided a lot of my behaviour since and this is why this email conversation with my friend triggered this train of thought. If you accept you’re just going to be a burden and you’re going to hold people back for the rest of your life you might as well give up on everything, which is simply not something I’m prepared to do. I want to be happy again, I want to find a reason to live and after plentiful soul searching I have decided that I can only do this by falling in love with the right girl. Now, is this not a selfish attitude to take? Is wanting to be happy potentially at the expense of someone else’s happiness a pretty self centred approach? Well it is, if you accept that you’ve got nothing to offer anyone. I refuse to accept I don’t and once I had taken in what my friend was saying, I wrote back to her straight away because she is so not worthless, and giving up your reason for living is basically giving up on life and no friend of mine is doing that. I understand her motivations are selfless and utterly honourable but if I can stop anyone feeling as low as I once felt I’ve done something useful and dare I say, good. So, believing I have quite a lot to offer is central to EVERYTHING. I also hope I am realistic although unfortunately I can’t get away from the fact that taking me on is a huge responsibility and I can’t shake off my old standards. This notion that looks mean nothing is horsesh*t of the highest order. I have always had a ‘type’ and I was bloody lucky before life metaphorically tipped acid on me, letting yourself ‘bat below your average’ is bloody hard and I can’t just rely on my ‘glittering personality’ and being a ‘cheeky bastard’ plus I don't drink enough.

I can’t just ‘laugh myself a girlfriend’, plus promising that she’ll always be worshipped and taken care of and highly thought of amongst my friends counts for nothing it seems. The last thing I’m looking for is a carer, I’m looking for a friend, a companion, a lover, an equal, someone who has a life, a career, someone who might even have a kid already, someone who has similar taste in comedy, tv and music, that can look for gigs with me to go to. I understand now that it wouldn’t be fair for them to be my primary carer, that will always have to be for a separate couple who live upstairs. Long may it continue to be Gary and Gwen whose presence has added a new dimension to life. Even though I never feel better other people do say I’m getting better. One of my best friends Vicky Denning, said she could never ‘have imagined me being well enough to make it to my college reunion’, so maybe I do get better, I just can’t tell.
So, despite all this nonsense running around my head(I'm sure there will be cries of 'how shallow and judgemental you are') - I just think this makes me normal. I’m sorry if it’s boring reading and you’re like ‘here he goes again’. I’m really not boring. At least THAT boring. What am I saying, I’ve at least distracted you from yet more Olympic coverage where it looks like we’ve done rather well. Well, who knew? Home advantage does make a difference? I’m looking forward to my trip to the Athletics on Saturday and then seeing Blur on Sunday in Hyde Park when they’ll televise the closing ceremony on the largest screen in Europe!
My hobby (well other lifeblood) of going to events was also in swing this week when I went to the Proms on Sunday. My LSPs (long suffering parents) were driving me to this and I’d also invited my mate Cheyenne.

(not the greatest photo because despite there being a break in the music the usher was behind me saying ‘no photography – no common sense f*ckwit) I was particularly keen to share this experience because it was to see mesmerizing Violin Soloist Nicola Benedetti.

So far has her star risen she’s doing the Last Night of the Proms this year. Mark my words she’ll be as famous as Katherine Jenkins by the end of the year and no-one’ll even remember Jess Ennis

(probably) (a shame because she’s a goddess, no they’ll remember Paula Radcliffe for having a sh*t in the street). We’re a fickle, shallow country. What a fickle, shallow man I am! Anyhoo, it was one the best Prom concerts I’ve ever been too. Benedetti was superb, the 4th time I’ve now seen her, she really is something. I still remember the first time I saw her and simply saying ‘wow’ back in 2010. Having two Orchestras made the sound enormous and the last piece sounded out of this world! When the Albert Hall Organ joined in it was incredible. I doubt anyone’s interested but the piece was Respighi's Pines of Rome.

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