24 Aug 2012

Post 362: Avoid boredom and indifference and you probably won’t die!

Another week, another crisis of confidence. The revelation I had last week was, as soon as you stop caring or giving a sh*t about what others think about, you might as well stop being alive. I also laughed a bit at this.

This doesn’t mean to say I’m some sort of pathetic idiot racked with Paranoia – that would make life even more tedious than it already is. But, I freely admit, I seem to have become some sort of ‘needy’ person, always ‘looking for validation’ I am quite paranoid, but that comes with the territory of being physically dissatisfied with oneself and being bad at most things I spent a quarter of a century getting good at. Coming to terms with never having my independence ever again is also a tricky bugger. This is how I put it in an email the other day
‘I'm staring down the barrel of 40 years of this sh*t.’

I’ve lost count of the number of ‘high and mighty’ messages full of amateur psychology saying ‘no-one can love you until you learn to love yourself’ – what utter bullsh*t, there are so many stories out there of beautiful carers marrying disabled patients or lovely girls falling for disabled Guys, I feel like the worst of a bad bunch, My dating profile, feel free to ignore it like everybody else! Stephen Hawking has been married more than once and the girls who married him weren’t astrophysicists! I guess money talks, albeit in a robotic, synthesized way! I’m afraid the minute you can’t be independent is the minute this ‘high-falluting’ piece of pop psychology goes out of the window. I will always try to do the right thing these days, primarily for others, and secondarily for myself and I’m not just saying that. The last thing I am is some worthy do-gooding twat. I like friendly, contritious, humble people, but over-friendly people can f*ck off, they’re not interesting or remotely funny or engaging in my opinion. Like religious people or tree-huggers they’re often more desperate for friends than the disabled. Call them on it and they instantly accuse you of being negative, f*ck-knuckles! Instead, I just want people to give a sh*t, and that starts with reading this. I guess I just got a bit fed up with really good friends saying ‘so what have you been up to?’ What does reading this take? 5, 10 minutes tops? I know people are busy, but not reading this when people spend so long on Facebook makes me think this is a bore, am I really that dull? I’ve always been quite big on making sure that for any effort anyone makes there is some reward. So if people make the effort (me included), it is only fair that they are rewarded. I’m sure I’m preaching to the converted and I’ve said this umpteen times. We’re not fidiots! Well, I’m pretty sure I’m not – this assertion is the extent of any arrogance I have left. So unsure have I been that I have been considering packing in this blog because I’m never sure if it gets read or makes any impact, ‘thanks for coming’ etc. So like the drama-queen I am I announced I was thinking of quitting this blog
Well, I am persuaded to keep writing it.
Anyway, bollocks to all that. I still get out, and I am still insanely grateful to all the people that take me.
First up on Monday was the awesome Bianca who took me to Brixton academy to see perennial favourites Kasabian.

As the Academy is a 50s art deco building it didn’t have any aircon and was a proper sweatbox. Bianca must have been one of the only girls in the place as Kasabian attract a very laddy crowd. They are brilliant though. I’ve probably seen them 6 times in the last few years starting with their Wembley Arena gig in 2009. I still remember it being brilliant although Brixton does produce magic
Before going into the ‘Black Hole of Calcutta’ like conditions I’m celebrating eating normal food again so I took Bianca for a Nando’s over the road.

Great chicken with a great Chick!
Well despite the sweltering concert we survived, Kasabian are great live. Perhaps some of their older stuff is better –‘West Ryder, Pauper, Lunatic Asylum’ is a masterpiece of an album and some of their even older tracks like LSF, Clubfoot and Empire are outstanding. Their new stuff is great live and on a big soundsystem, the big synthesized bass is unreal and really moves the air. This probably doesn’t explain it, apologies for the unsteady videos, only being able to use one hand’ll do that From one lot of great live music to another. It is Proms season and I love going. So, I took Gary and Gwen on Wednesday to see Prokofiev’s Cinderella at the Albert Hall. It obviously was just an Orchestra playing the music and not the full ballet. As classical music goes it is an amazing piece of music with so much going on made all the better by being on G platform right by the percussion (the guy who plays all the weird stuff like the triangle, the castanets, the wood block and the Tambourines.

I thought to myself – this guy must be under so much pressure – not only looking Like Lembit Opik but he has to be perfectly in time. I bet the violinists look down their noses at him, but in a piece like this his is a huge job.
The point of this post is just to say that making things happen is the only way to get through life. Irvine Welsh says at the beginning of his book ‘Ecstasy’ –applying gritty Scottish grimness to the party drug: ‘they say death is what kills you, when actually it is boredom and indifference. Say what you like about how disturbed he must be, but he seems to be onto something, not that I condone the way most of his characters are on something.
Finally, even though I'm a Tory this made me laugh
Nicked from Lizzie Catt's pictures. I'm deeply honoured to be going to her wedding reception tomorrow.

These Girls fall like Dominos. A lovely lady marrying a tall dark handsome Guy. Thanks in advance to my friend Isabel for stepping in to take me after my plans fell apart

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