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22 Sep 2012

Post 368: What’s going on?


I’m really not sure, although a friend of mine posted this up on Facebook on Friday.

I don’t know what my result ‘love, lust and time’ says about me? Just when I was coming to the decision in my head that the best I can ever expect in my life is to be ‘just friends’ with anyone, the dream of having a beautiful wife and an idyllic lifestyle is now gone! Just being friends with girls will probably work for me because feeling alone and vulnerable is my most regular problem. Fancying me has got to come from the other side. I think the time for me ever being physically seductive or remotely physically attractive is in the past, before my stroke when I was 25-27 was probably the good days,

my 30s are a write off, no, the rest of my life is a write-off and to be fair to me – it was one of the most important parts of my life before this happened. It’s paradoxical how the world hates people who hate themselves and people who love themselves. I think to succeed in Iife you have to be somewhere between the two extremes – I am probably too far towards ‘hate’ at the moment. I now feel like Susan f*cking Boyle and I can’t even sing! Bless her, she may have the voice of an angel but she has the face of a moose!

If that upsets you, you need to seriously re-evaluate your sense of humour. I know it’s no laughing matter for some. I have had one or two nice messages saying ‘I read your Blog, please don’t pack it in’, there was also something about keeping on with the physical therapy. This is how I replied to one of those messages:

I've worked hard on my walking and independence and I've
reached a sort of unhappy equilibrium where I've accepted I have to be
in a wheelchair and even though I'm giving my left arm another go at
this Bobath therapy it's not going to get better, the only thing that
I hope is that something can come along (medication wise) for my fatigue
and mood. Otherwise everything I do is: ‘about maintaining what
independence I have and things that will in the short term keep me interested in being alive
- eg seeing friends and family, concerts, good films/tv series/audiobooks,
meeting new people, doing my writing course and writing my blog,
there's no other strategy with my energy the way it is, I might be
able to do years of that - I've done 7 to get this far, it feels like
a life sentence, crikey, even a death sentence . [This may appear on the blog]
The whole energy/mood thing is everything.’
Even though I’m not a big TV watcher, like a lot of my demographic we live vicariously through the current big series that is on TV and nothing epitomises that more than the latest HBO series

that happens to be on Sky Atlantic.

Until a Couple of months ago it was Game of Thrones,

a gritty fantasy epic based on a series of 5 novels

set in a weird fictional medieval land. My writing course tutor just finished the first book and her praise for it could scarcely have been higher. It keeps cheese to a minimum and avoids the age old good vs evil cliché instead drawing the lines of battle on whether the characters are nasty pieces of work and sort of tangled family allegiances and staying safe in a dangerous magical feudal world. The translation to small screen has been pretty good, no, amazing – the type of program you record and watch at the same time. How did we manage before Sky+? It is a great mystery – like the questions – how did we manage before Sat Nav? Or mobile phones? People used to make plans and stick to them and read maps. Imagine that? Ooo, was starting to rant there.
The two series of Game of Thrones so far have been beautifully done and they’re not for the faint hearted (series three is eagerly awaited by more than just sad people like me. The gore and the sex are both pretty graphic. Mary Whitehouse

would disapprove but it’s a wonder anyone listened to her bluster. Only in England, probably the only country where ‘outrage by association’ happens. By this I mean you can be angry with something despite not knowing about it even if it makes f*ck all difference to you.

I’ve actually got a t-shirt with this on. We’re all grown ups and in the age of the internet ‘Mary Whitehouse’ style outrage is a battle that has long been lost. I mean little old me has seen and heard things on the internet and at live comedy shows that would have her spinning in her grave.
Another HBO show on Sky has been the Sopranos. I am hooked on it despite the fact that almost all the Characters are unspeakable Scum, Surprise surprise, most of the characters are deranged sociopaths who only care about where the next ill-gotten $ is coming from. What makes it so compelling is how real it feels and how it overlays human frailty onto being an organised criminal. I am actually quite happy that they’ve got to the point where they’re starting to kill each other where the New York Mafia led by Phil ‘ the biggest Mafia Stereotype ever’ Leotardo

has decided to decapitate ‘cosa nostra lingo’ the New Jersey Soprano family, he comes out with some classic lines like ‘let me tell you a couple of three things’. I know it’s fictional but I don’t want to pick a side, I want them all to kill each other painfully! Oh well, two episodes of carnage until it’s all over, it’ll be grim but at least I’ll feel like justice has been done. I don’t for a second think a sportsman’s handshake is going to sort this mess out! It should occupy my next two Wednesdays! On Saturdays I have always recorded the Borgias

which goes a long way to explaining the Italian appetite for revenge that is part of the Mafia code. A big part of this is the work of Niccolo Machiavelli, who was chief adviser to the Medici family of Florence in the 15th and early 16th century. Machiavellian Political and moral Philosophy basically says ‘the ends justify the means’ which is the sociopath or autistic child’s way of doing things which is basically ‘keep your eyes on the prize, sod everyone else’ Real people can’t get away with being like this unless you are able to completely block out the fact that friendship, love and human empathy are the important tripos of being human. Not being able to appreciate how someone else is feeling as a result of something is an alien concept to me. I am so tuned into other people these days because I rely on people’s goodwill to get through the day. I’m no crawling suck up though so the hardest thing I have had to do is continually make sure that people are ok with helping me and that they feel appreciated. Perhaps in the old days I could just leave people to take care of themselves a bit more, this is not taking people for granted, it’s giving people a lot more credit for being able to look after themselves. It is kind of a cruel irony that now I have no energy I have to expend much more than I used to caring about what people think. I’m sure that people think I take myself far more seriously than I do. Jesus, look at me –what’s there to take seriously? I’m like Steven Hawking without the Astrophysics.
I suppose what has been a bit disingenuous of me over the last few weeks on here has been the lack of despair. I have had a viral stomach infection which is probably one of the worst undignified things you can possibly have if you can’t walk. I would say not being able to walk independently robs you of your dignity. In essence, I feel sometimes like a six month old child with the consciousness of a 35 year old – at least at 6 months people think you’re cute whatever you do. Now I feel sometimes people are as disgusted with me as I am with myself. It is difficult to explain how awful the interplay of tiredness and fear are when you have to transfer from your bed to your wheelchair and then to the toilet at 4am. There have been some low moments in the last seven years. We might have a new champion. Gary and Gwen have been very understanding in helping me get through this.
On top of this I now have my date for Gamma Knife surgery,



it is Thursday 11th October and I feel like I’m on Death Row. The only possible positive thing I can draw out of this is at least it’ll be a painless way to go if it does go wrong as I have said I'll only do it under general anaesthetic, sorry, it’s the best I can do. I’m Petrified given my chequered history with anaesthetics. Here is the Cromwell Hospital Webpage that describes the procedure
It is a small crumb of comfort that I have private medical insurance to do this but guess what? – I don’t feel lucky.

2 comments:

GirlWithTheCane said...

You're an excellent writer. :)

Dom P said...

why thanks, just a below par human

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