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14 Oct 2012

Post 371: A Bit Bloody Preoccupied



I’m usually too preoccupied with how sh*t I feel to write this but that’s beside the point. The point is, how dreadful it was having Gamma-Knife surgery on Thursday. I have probably blabbed (blubbed) enough about how awful it is already. I’m sure I have. Well, the ‘in the machine’ bit was much less unpleasant than six years ago but I think I might have screamed with pain when they screwed the frame (via four two inch screws) into my skull. I’ve found a picture on the internet of it. It was simply titled ‘ouch’, I didn’t rename it that!

Aside from the procedure itself being grim, so was being in hospital again. I don’t care that the Cromwell Hospital is a 5* BUPA Hospital. Having your own room is an advantage if you can walk around and it is better if you have visitors. I have said it before but having visitors feels like Oxygen. This time I have my tireless best mate Tony and my old flatmate Vicky, and Martha ( the wife of Tory MP Matt to thank for popping in to see me. They are heroes because it’s hard to explain just how dreadful the feeling of isolation can be and I should be an expert by now!
As ever, the real heroes are my LSPs (long suffering parents) who seem determined to ease my suffering by being there. I have no words for how great they have been and how hard they try. I wish I could reward them by actually getting a bit better, but that isn’t happening.
I’d actually been able to time this horrific procedure around my event diary which I suppose was one good thing. On Monday I was able to go to the Dome to see Radiohead

with Chey

and Bianca

who had both emailed me almost simultaneously when it had been announced saying that they’d volunteer to drive. I adore these girls and the old me would rather fancy them but the new me has come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be good enough – it’s taken me four years to accept, that I’ll never be good enough for anyone the old me would have fancied, the best I can ever hope for is to be friends with anyone now. It has taken 4 years of rejections, being ignored and being horrified by what I see in the mirror for me to throw in the towel. I am fed up and I give up.
Still, it gave me immense pleasure to take Chey and Bianca to the Dome Gaucho Grill, one of the best restaurants I’ve ever been to.

I have never had better Steak and red wine. It is an amazing dining experience. I wish I could have said the same for the concert, the consolation being that the girls seemed to enjoy it. This is what I wrote on youtube to go with the following video.
‘Radiohead at the O2 in October 2012. No idea what song it is. If you go and watch a big band you expect them to play 1 or 2 recognisable numbers. Instead this gash would have made the chinscratchers happy. Still, I never tire of the spectacle of a sellout arena, a 100ft high stage and the company of friends.’
If any angst-ridden skinny jean wearing wispy beard-toting Thom Yorke-alike Muso’s disagree, they can f*ck right off back to their Hackney bedsits.
Just saying like, if you are going to sellout the Dome on an autumnal Monday night, you say thankyou and give people what they want, a set full of hits, from their seminal album ‘OK Computer’ if necessary.
Anyway, that was Monday, having said I want to do what I can to thank my parents, Tuesday was one such concert. The Royal Philharmonic playing some Great Classics at the Royal Albert Hall. Recognisable classical music played by an Orchestra at the Albert Hall is magical and my parents loved it. My mother was transfixed by the conductor who reminded me of Dracula

or Mr Burns playing Dracula!

Still, Beethovens fifth (dot dot dot dash in Morse code) is another one of those piece’s Beethoven chucked the Kitchen sink at! I don’t recall seeing violinists work as hard!
So Wednesday night, I went into hospital for the Gamma Knife on Thursday morning and came home on Friday, and to be honest, I feel exhausted. Yet another procedure that isn’t designed to make me feel better. Instead designed to stop me having another stroke. OK, so if it reduces the risk of getting Locked-in syndrome it’s worth it.
So yesterday night my friend Isabel came and cooked me and Gary an amazing fillet Steak and we’ve almost polished off the first series of the Tudors which dramatises what a nasty sociopath Henry VIII was. It is a jolly disturbing romp. At the same time I have been glued to a docu-drama on Sky

called ‘The British’ about the last 2000 years of British History. It is fascinating.
What this country needs is not a violent revolution by the working class. It needs some good old fashioned Victorian Philanthropy by the mega-rich! And now it’s Sunday where I’ve had to write this after waking from a food coma after an amazing Sunday Roast at the Bear with Gary(my carer) and two old friends, Ched and Daegal

in honour of Daegals departure to Melbourne after he somehow managed to secure one of those well known 12 year Visa’s that Kiwis seem to get. Really good of him to make time to drop in on me, and Ched has been a really good mate since we reconnected on facebook, and as for Gary, he makes it possible for me to be alive so I am quite grateful to him!
I haven’t really had much chance to talk about the first picture, which I think sums up my current state of mind perfectly, that and this diatribe by comedienne Miranda Hart.

Even if my ability to be silly is a bit eclipsed by exhaustion I will always try and make time for friends, especially Vicky and PJ

who popped in with their cute little daughters

yesterday

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