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9 Dec 2012

Post 370: Will it ever get any easier?


Computer says no.

By standards It has been an even more traumatic week and if I’m exhausted by it, you’ve probably even considered ‘that Jeremy Kyle man, he’s got a point’,

or you’ve self-harmed, although watching Kyle or reading this probably constitutes some form of Self-harm.
If there is a regret from last week’s delights it is that I’ve caught my brother in the middle of this mess, which is something I should have predicted. Without him in the last umpteen years our family would be a pale imitation of what it is. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to live here, I’d be in a care home going slowly more insane so I owe him loads, certainly my unflinching loyalty and I was pretty sure I’d support him through thick and thin unconditionally, although if last week proved anything, there are some conditions. I should not be meddling in his life, that is the end of the story, so in future I will keep my opinions on such matters to myself. It is a bit of a ‘mare knowing what not to write about on here, so my tendency seems to be to ‘say too much’ – hence the blog title. This is why Editors and copywriters exist and this blog is never going to have one as this outfit is hardly Random f*cking House!
I know what might get said about this by certain individuals but these are my sincere feelings. It has been a grotty week. Merry f*cking Christmas, and as if to really just add a little ‘f*ck you’, it snowed the other night.
I am grateful to the people that have supported me and yes, I thought I had repeatedly acknowledged how lucky I am to have my financial security but let me remind everyone that this is hugely outweighed by the fact I will never live a ‘normal’ life or feel well ever again. I think on a set of scales that weighs down rather heavier. With my financial security I am trying to find a way of making this bearable. It is not even close to bearable at the moment despite the efforts I make.
That message last week made me think ‘what’s the point?’ – she is trying to say that people will only be satisfied with me if I suffer more and I suffer in silence or die – well f*ck that frankly! I have friends to see, friends to make and a life to live – sure, I may have down days and bitch and moan, I want to keep making people have perspective in their lives – whatever problems you have, they’re not as bad as they could be, ‘honestly, seriously’ as comedian Alan Davies might say, and that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the main thing people say to me about this blog ‘you put my problems in perspective and help me not to moan’, which to me is good reason enough to keep writing it and ignore those messages from people who want to bring me down. At least my friends are real and most of them have met me, talking to them during the week via the computer is all I can do but next week’s Christmas drinks will put faces to some names and make my year. It will be such a big event for me and prove that the struggle is worth it.
I think I categorically proved that taking people out is the right thing to do when I said to my friend Mel over dinner

when we went to see Florence and the Machine at the Dome on Wednesday – ‘you know what, doing this is a reason to be alive!’ We went to Gaucho first for a spiritually good steak

and red wine then onto the Arena to see Florencewho I have now seen 4 times, nothing will beat her Hammersmith show in 2010
, where I fell in love with the flame-haired Amazonian temptress because of her style, music and beauty(oh yes, and legs). That all changed because I am obviously a fickle b*stard – at her Ally Pally gig in March earlier this year Her Music and beauty were probably the same but her style of ‘gothic, Celtic witch’ was awful – it’s nice to see her hair back to it’s former fiery glory. I’ve always placed quite a lot of emphasis on the hair and style. I’ve always preferred the ‘hair down’ look for what it’s worth. Anyway, an enjoyable concert but the high point was getting to spend the evening with Mel who’s a big Florence fan. She knew that she had to stay alert for the drive back so she wandered off to get a coffee (Rock and Roll).

She duly did and reported after the first few sips that it tasted like Gravy!
The Dome have got most things right but coffee isn’t one of them!
The day before had been about going to see Genial QI funnyman Alan Davies do the stand up show he is touring off the back of the publicity he must get from being such a stalwart feature of QI.

Obviously QI has cemented Stephen Fry’s ‘national treasure’

status but I think Davies can’t be far off ‘national treasure’ status either. I like QI because it’s a quizcom which allows comedians to be funny and super intelligent without the need to slag people off like Mock the Week and Buzzcocks. I haven’t suddenly developed this ‘lets all just be nice’ persona (NO SH*T) but like most things, I might have a point;). I might have forgotten it now, but yes, Alan Davies isn’t bad. A nice relaxed friendly style and excellent timing. An observational comedian who told us a lot about how bad the 80s really were. I think everyone is inclined to agree, what with the technology that exists today it seems to be a virtual miracle that the Human species was able to even survive through those dark ages over thirty years ago when most families had one telephone, and that was in the hall on a phone table which had space for a telephone directory, the yellow pages and some sort of alphabetised book of friends numbers. Who knows how we survived, there was no internet, no email, no social networking, nothing allied to that we could get trapped in the middle of a ‘limited theatre’ nuclear conflict between the US and USSR. Somehow though I feel I ought to feel more comforted to be alive than I actually am. Big thanks to Brian for taking me. It is nice to know some people seem to want to help me out, if he could invent some sort of device that stops me forgetting my camera, even better!
Finally, something I’d booked Eons ago. I’ve pretty much always been a Green Day fan so when I saw that the broadway musical they had written was coming to the Hammersmith Apollo, I thought ‘why not?’ when I bought the tickets about a year ago. To be honest I wasn’t really sure what to expect – when we got there last night, on seeing the set

I immediately thought of team America’s

pisstake of Rent – ‘Lease’

and their song ‘Everyone has Aids’ but despite the obvious similarity in the ‘Look and feel’,

there’s no taking away from the brilliance of some of Green Day’s songs, the production included ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ (everyones favourite),’21 Guns’, ‘wake me up when September Ends’ and probably several others and knowing Green Day’s repertoire and my pisspoor observation it seems to be the story of a couple of disaffected kids growing up and trying to fit in and be individual in modern America. Surprise surprise it turns into a twisted love story while being a stroppy teenager story of experimenting with Alcohol, drugs and sex to the background angst of Green Day’s music. I feel sorry for the parents of teenagers, speaking of which, I was taken by my mate Isabel

who is treading that perilous path right now with her own 14 year old son. He’s a good lad and Isa does bloody well, but it’s all about falling in with the right crowd.
Anyway, the trauma of the last week is over, I’m not persuaded I should do anything radically different
I’m think I’m behaving to increase general happiness. Which I’m pretty sure is the right thing to do. Please do come to the Christmas drinks if you can! This email from my friend Gina who’s helping organise it cheered me right up

‘So many people coming on Tuesday! Great to see so many coming along!

All under control I think and Tony and I have sorted the raffle…

Anything else I need to do except find my party heels??’


It’s often little messages like that that make the world seem like a more worthwhile place to be in.

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