30 Dec 2012

Post 373: Back to the ole drawing room!

Phew, all I have to say is JESUS,............................................................... was not born around this time some 2000 years ago – although another year of this mortal coil appears to have ticked away. It is now just over 7 years since my life was effectively ended. Since that fateful day I haven’t always been the most dignified person in the world but I try not to be much of a nuisance. I try to be more constructive than destructive – I have to feel positive about something to be positive about it which is possibly why I’m not the most positive person on the planet. I will not be disingenuous about this.
I suppose I should be grateful that I have a family Christmas to go to. Perhaps I should be magnanimous and silent about it, but I’m bloody useless at that, if there’s something I’ll be a nuisance about, it’s that I’ll dine out on the repeatable stories of the Pardey family Christmas! Christ, if I was Miranda Hart

I’d write a sitcom about it. Such fun.
To business, Christmas as a concept to me is a load of old shit! Getting to see the whole family is of course nice but Christmas is about my mum putting on an incredible display of hospitality and the grandchildren going apeshit, it really is getting those clich├ęs lined up to tick off

– yours truly is reduced to the role of bitpart or grumpy old stick in the mud feeling like I’ve run back to back ultramarathons. Traditionally, I say something uncharitable about my sisters kids but this year I concede, I am wrong. They are growing up into nice people, perhaps a bit fonder of party games

than I am but from the moment those little monsters hugged me hello till the moment they hugged me goodbye, I can see why people have kids! I’ll brush aside the fact that they make ridiculous amounts of ridiculous (ridiculous squared!) noise and the odd tantrum from the younger two is possibly the worst thing ever, I swear if you listen carefully I’m pretty sure you can hear the thundering of the four horsemen of the apocalypse or what Satan with an American accent might sound like during them! And what seems to be the reciprocity to this onslaught? Why, sugar based appeasement in the form of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, fine – if these things were impregnated with Valium or Ritalin (I doubt the legality) this sort of response might seem ok, but as it is, it is as relaxing as throwing a bucket of petrol on a bushfire. Still, it’s a great avenue of business development for Krispy Kreme. They’d sell like hot cakes to both young families and 20somethings, deliciousness and prescription drugs needs further investigation/experimentation/intoxication.
Not that anyone cares, but these were my facebook missives when I got home to Oxshott on the 27th
And there was a sizeable response which I think reflects the general level of boredom:

Who would have thought that getting home to a working computer, a warm house, my own bed and a familiar process for using the bog could be such a relief? Christmas chez rentals is a round of 'good efforts' but home is where the bog is! Good to see the Palmers too!


3 Things I've learnt from Xmas:
1. My Sisters Kids aren't all bad, except Charlie's tantrum this morning

2. It is disturbing how well my mum can rattle off a 3 course meal for 10 (it's witchcraft)

3. I really enjoyed that dancing program where Darcey Bussell re-created 'Singin in the rain'.
See, I do learn!

I later commented:
Darcey Bussell is the most charming flat-chested lady ever. I was actually staring at her chest while she was talking, thinking 'where are your breasts love'? Stampy - believe me - 'grumpy Dom is alive and well -if anything he's likely to disappoint even more in 2013

I really am a desperate ‘attention-whore’, but this is necessary in my world to remind me I’m alive. From a normal 8-12 gigs a month January is a desolate wasteland simply because promoters quite rightly surmise that people just want to batten down the hatches in January, I’ve got 2 things in the entire month. The lack of stuff is pretty stark because there’s sod all and her sister f*ck all on. I used to get excited about this time of year being about skiing and plans for new years eve but now it’s back to my comfy bog and working computer.
The world not ending in 2012 is probably the best thing I can objectively say off the top of my head happened, even if I think it will (probably quite literally) level the playing field – subjectively, it has been the arrival of Gwen and Gary

who have allowed me to live that has been the obvious highlight. When I got back from my rentals, Gary said he sees me as a 3rd son – I can imagine he must see me as the sh*t one alongside the other two strapping lads,Mark and his wife Monya
, Brian and his wife Ami and their son Grayson ( you gotta love this picture)

both happily married to lovely ladies and living nearby, their only handicap being that they’re South African! Which in the grand scheme of things could be a lot worse and in south west London and in the suburbs of Surrey they seem to feel at home! Indeed in some postal codes around here, if you stop a stranger, it’s like Earls Court in the 90s!
Changing the subject slightly (well totally), I have been using this ‘downtime’ to try and catch up on some of my gaps in the Sopranos.

It is compelling stuff, and very well written and acted–disturbingly ‘real’. I know it is fiction but even on closer inspection there is not a single character trait of a single character that I would like to emulate. Even the love and loyalty characters have for their ‘non-mafia’ families all seems to be about augmenting themselves. Perhaps I should be watching something more life-affirming? I am open to idea’s as long as they’re serious! My big idea’s for the first part of 2013 are to go on a crash diet in January – Yawn. Who doesn’t? Then to learn to use my right handed keyboard, which I haven’t had the guts to learn to use yet because the thought of deliberately making it harder to communicate scares the bejesus out of me. It’s hard enough typing with one finger on a keyboard that’s properly laid out with big keys. My third thing I must do is make time to listen to some classic literature. It’s a big investment in time and energy I don’t have but I’ve gotta do something! I started Don Quixote months ago and still haven’t finished. War and peace is going to be brutal, a lot of war and a lot of Peace no doubt.
I will also be making an effort not to moan so much but be quite clear about my intention to find a better half even though the best part of 5 years of trying have drawn a blank. Given my track record to this point I am not overly positive about the outcome! It will require someone who is unusually giving and doesn’t mind being showered with love, praise and devotion in return. If she exists she will be a superwoman, and I’ll be more Christopher Reeve than superman.

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